The Funny Farm

These dark days for the Dolphins are testing times for Dolfans as well. How does one adjust on the run from years of winning and general success to a sudden cliff-jump into sad-sackery? There are no how-to books for this. Yet the issue squarely confronts local fans as they prepare for Sunday's historic visit by the St. Louis Rams.

Historic? By my reckoning this marks the Dolphins' first home game as a bona fide laughingstock. The status is quantifiable, with Miami now the NFL's lone winless team at 0-6, and verifiable in pop culture with the bloom of mocking monologue references launched by Jay Leno.

Things have changed since Miami last played at home three weeks ago. There is no longer company for our misery; we are the standard bearer for bad. The season has transmogrified grimly into near-hopelessness and record-threatening ineptitude.

A Sports Illustrated website poll this week found an 0-16 Dolphins season judged twice as likely as a 16-0 Patriots record.

Could the Bizzaro Perfect Season, the evil anti-twin of 1972, actually be upon us? The NFL hasn't seen that since expansion Tampa Bay was 0-14 in 1976. Since then only seven times has a team won only once. But the Dolphins are being presumed among that company as a morbid curiosity attaches itself and will grow with each loss.

So how is a Dolfan to react? Where is the etiquette guide for embarrassment?

I'm here with some helpful suggestions on how a severely losing club might adapt the home-game experience it provides for fans.

• Honesty is the best policy, so the first thing we do is, we look a really bad Dullphin offense right in the eye, and we change the name of the official mascot.

The upright dolphin-suit guy now called "T.D." will henceforth be known as "P.U.N.T." Or, simply: "P.U."

• Parking-lot tailgate areas will now include designated Weeping Zones and kiosks staffed by psychologists and anger-management experts.

• The home field will henceforth be known as Semi-Pro Player Stadium.

• Souvenir merchandise will now include giant foam hands holding up 32 fingers, Rick Spielman piñatas and official, NFL-licensed paper bags.

There were a smattering of paper bags seen on heads at the last home game, but they were the standard, amateurish grocery-store variety with eyeholes cut out.

Officially licensed Dolbags will be available in aqua, orange or "classic" brown, with precut eyes and a breathing hole inside hand-painted frowning lips.

Limited-edition, Deluxe Dolbags also will be available in three different styles, featuring a Dave Wannstedt mustache (Wannstache); Jay Fiedler ears (FiedlEars) or a Ricky Williams coif (Quitlocks).

• Concession stands will now stock Pepto-Bismol and blindfolds.

• Roving vendors will toss bags of Paxil. Funny Farm note: you still need to talk to Rush if you want any OxyContin.

• Beer sales will end after the third quarter, when hard-liquor sales will begin.

• Dolphin cheerleaders will be more important than ever, as a diversion from what is occurring on the field. However, an adaptation of the usual cheers might be necessary.

The standard "two bits, four bits" won't cut it any more. Chants will be updated, tailored. For example: "Two bits, four bits, we'll put you to sleep. All for the Dolphins, stand up and weep!"

• With this in mind, cheerleaders will now be known as "tearleaders" and offer sympathy or consolation chants. For example: "Two bit, four bits, another pick by Jay. But at least this one wasn't, returned all the way!"

I kid here, of course. I'm a josher. For the record, I don't think Miami will finish 0-16. But I do think the paper bags might proliferate if the winning doesn't start soon.

I mentioned those custom-made Dolbags earlier but failed to mention they come into two sizes: Regular, to fit most fans. And extra-large, designed to fit over helmets.

Updated on Friday, Oct 22, 2004 7:55 am EDT