The Funny Farm

They put the chairs out on the lawn
Grandma's got her new dress on
There's fresh flower's on grandpa's grave
And junior smells of aftershave
Oh boy, hey hey
It's a national holiday

Everything's ready for the big parade
The mayor's got his place in the shade
But we can't wait 'til the sun goes down
To lie on a hill at the edge of town
While a presidential proclamation
Is blasting out across the nation
And Mad Dog and his band of jerks
Are lighting off the fireworks
Oh boy, hey hey
It's a national holiday

So let's all sing the national anthem
Free the hostages, pay the ransom
Raise the flag, lower the taxes
Band the bomb and bury the hatchet

The chiefs of staff called a session
Called for an end to armed aggression
They're easing up on covert actions
Appeasing all opposing faction
They communicated with the communists
Pacified the pacifists
Stopped all pain, stopped all sorrow
Real life shall resume tomorrow
Oh boy, hey hey
It's a national holiday

It was a nice clean assassination
The gunman slipped through immigration
Like the gentle wind that swept the plain
And ruffled over waves of grain

Sailing safely out of sight
On board the next connecting flight
The gunman smiled, he felt no pain
So high above the waves of grain

Then someone snatched the video-8
From the hands of a tourist at the gate
And soon a blast on board the plane
Sent it crashing into the waves of grain

The blown up stills told the story
Large as life in all its glory
A man's face in the 29th frame
Appeared within the waves of grain

Now the pictures have been confiscated
The tourist was incarcerated
The drugs they gave him numbed his brain
Now all he sees are waves of grain

Now rummaging through the ravaged rubble
I wonder is it worth the trouble?
Does the slightest trace of truth remain
Running through the waves of grain...

Baby boom go boom
Baby boom go bump
Baby boom goes straight to the edge
And someone hollers "jump"
You gotta be dead to be bigger than life
But everyone's afraid to fly
Everyone want to be on a postage stamp
But nobody wants to die

Better bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Then read the letters that the children write
To the standard white Santa Claus

They want flash - somethin' awesome
Somethin' with a little kick
Somethin' semi-automatic
Just might do the trick
They want weapons to arm themselves
Against every childhood fear
They want rockets to fly up to heaven
And get the hell out of here

See the devils and the angels
See how shamelessly they dance
Defyin' the laws of gravity
On the shoulders of romance
The sensations - the temptations
Our forefathers have succumbed to
And the bittersweet fragrance
Our noses have been numbed to

Bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Then read the letters that the children write
To the standard white Santa Claus

How grim our lives would be
If not for children's laughter
Like scary old fairy tales
With no happily-ever-after
Talkin' on telephones across time zones
Payin' the futility bill
Prayin' for rain, punchin' clocks
Changing the world like I change my socks

Bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Bow down to the standard white Jesus on the cross
Then read the letters that the children write
To the standard white Santa Claus

The party's over
And a new day begins
Now is the time
For confessing our sins

Maybe we ate too much
Or drank a little too much scotch
And I guess the entertainment got a little out of hand
Judging from this pain in my crotch
I feel like hell today but last night, hey
Weren't we hale and hearty?
All in all, I really got to say
It was a grand old party

We donned our disguises, ate appetizers
And talked 'til our teeth got numb
Johnny Walker ran free 'till he crawled out the door
And then we started on rum
I guess I knew I should have refused
That one last Coke and Bacardi
But despite the mess, I must confess
It was a grand old party

Ohhh...my...heat seaking whistles and miguided missiles
I guess they went a little too far
When a back seat snuggle turned into a struggle
And it totalled my car
Now most of my friends will never speak to me again
But love is never saying you're sorry
At the end of the day I really got to say
It was a grand old party

Now sometimes I dream that my life is on trial
My friends and all my family are there
Loads of dirty laundry are fallin' all around me
I'm hiding under my chair
If you are what you eat, I'm dead meat
Lord knows I've been naughty
In the depths of disgrace, I rest my case
It was a Grand Old Party