The Funny Farm

The new pontiff is Brad Whittier**, 29, from the state of California in the United States of America. He has chosen to be called Pope John Paul Peter George I, and his pontificate begins as of this moment. Never in the living memory of the College has our order been so unanimous in our conviction that this man is the right man for the Catholic Church in the New Millennium.

We must retire and pray for more guidance from the Lord in these matters. We can say no more at this time.

Pope John Paul Peter George I:: Whoa! (chuckles)

The Ghost Of Walter Cronkite: Your Holiness, thank you for granting us this interview.

Pope John Paul Peter George I:: Hey, no biggie. Wanna kiss my ri- oh, bitchin'. Somebody bagged my ring. God, I can't believe it! (sighs)

The Ghost Of Walter Cronkite: Ah, - I'm sure your American followers are interested in what compelled the recent decisions that have shocked the world.

Pope John Paul Peter George I:: Hm. Sex wax, huh? Totally gnarly. Oh yeah, okay, - so I go to the Vatican, you know? And, uh, you know, I'm like really, I'm uptight on one level, you know, but I'm stoked in the other one - on the other, because everybody is so nice, you know? And, uh, I've got this incredible room, totally bitchin', and I've got complete run of the place. So, uh, you know, it's really far out, you know - I'm really having a good time. And of course I have absolute power.

The Ghost Of Walter Cronkite: Uh, yes. And your decision to -

Pope John Paul Peter George I:: Oh, oh, yeah yeah yeah. Uh, so I'm so excited the first night, you know, I'm really, really excited, because it dawns on me. Hey man, I get to talk to God! Cause that's just the way it works - the Pope gets to talk to God. And so, late at night, I'm all alone in the Vatican, all of a sudden - (makes noise) - the room is filled with this incredible white light, you know? And I hear this voice, it goes: _{Hey, Brad!} And I go, 'Whoa!' He goes, (in a singsong voice) Hey, Braaad! And that's, - you know, God calls me Brad 'cause that's, like, my real name - and so, the voice says, 'Hey man, it's cool to have sex for fun, and for priests to get married.' I go, 'Oh, boy - I can't believe this. Wait till the Ecumenical Council hears about this. They're going to totally lose it!' He goes, 'No, it's cool, Brad - 'cause then, you know, like, less people be fighting and more people are going to be making love.'

The Ghost Of Walter Cronkite: Uh, yes, but this is a radical departure from thousands of years of teaching.

Pope John Paul Peter George I:: Tell me about it! You know? I mean, I don't know what to do, I can't argue with God when he says, 'Hey, that's it, man, okay? I mean that's the end of fear, and that's the end of guilt, and everybody just hang out, and have a good time, and come home when you want.' That's what he said.

The Ghost Of Walter Cronkite: Well, uh, that looks like the end for ecclesiastical despotism.

Pope John Paul Peter George I:: Oh, totally. Ecclesiastical despots are moded.

The Ghost Of Walter Cronkite: And you've also made mass optional. Can you explain this?

Pope John Paul Peter George I:: Oh, for sure. Okay - it's, like, a Sunday, you know, and it's totally bitchin'. It's a nice sunny day, you know, and the waves are really far out, you know, nice surf. Hey, man! Go out on your board, you know, and commune with God. 'Cause God's, like, in the surf too, Okay? (chuckles) You know, and I get - I can get six or seven cardinals in this truck, man, you know, when you're out, we'll pound root 'till we blow chaff.*** (chuckles softly)

The Ghost Of Walter Cronkite: Uh, well. Thank you, Pope John Paul Peter George the First. And that's the way it is from the first American pontiff.

Pope John Paul Peter George I:: Wish I could find that ring, man. They're going to be really, you know, honked off I think at the old Vatican, you know...