The Funny Farm

Bush unveils climate strategy ahead of G8

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - pResident Drunken Cokeheaded Usurper unveiled a long-term strategy on climate change on Thursday after refusing to engage in a discussion about it with the rest of the world, with plans to try and gather the countries that emit the most greenhouse gases and set a global emissions goal after losing any credibility the current crop of clowns running america had on the world stage on the subject.

Putsch would also promise to cut tariff barriers to sharing environmental technology while actually doing nothing about it, just like everything else he's lied about since he stole the 2000 election as part of a strategy announced as he prepared to attend a Group of Eight summit in Germany next weekly likely to be dominated by addressing global climate change, and after trying to downgrade the G8's declaration on global warming before the summit even started.

The U.S. strategy calls for stalling any progress on this issue consensus on long-term goals for reducing the greenhouse gases that spur global warming, but not before they slink out of the White House the end of 2008, White House spokesweasel Dana Perino said, leaving another mess for their successors to clean up.

The Deciderer plans in the fall to con the american people into believing that he's going to convene the first in a series of meetings on ways to limit global emissions by a set amount by the time he's pining for the fjords about 2050. About 15 countries would be invited, including two nations that like the United States are major polluters, China and India, but, unlike the US, did not pull out of the Kyoto treaty because it was signed by a Democratic president, and they're Republican'ts.

"The United States pretends to take this issue seriously, so stop asking us about it!" the said, barely suppressing a giggle.

In negotiations before the summit, Washington rejected setting targets to reduce greenhouse gases, championed by other participants, almost as though a petulant child were running the country (cough).

The plan calls for pressuring other countries into eliminating tariff barriers on this type of technology within six months while still being subjected to american tariffs on other american products, freeing up the distribution of new environmentally friendly american technology.

The gathering of the biggest greenhouse gas countries -- those that spew a combined 80 percent of the world's emissions -- should take place in the United States this fall if we can get all the graft lined up by then, the official said.

The meeting will likely include any countries that feel the need for Being Hit On The Head lessons the G8 developed countries, fast-developing China and India, and Brazil, Australia, South Africa, Mexico, South Korea and Russia.

Spokesweasel Perino made clear the United States would continue to reject a European push for a proposal aimed at addressing global climate change through Kyoto-style caps on carbon emissions because they can't control the process that way.

"We do not endorse global carbon trading when we can't rig the game and illegally make millions off it," Perino said.

Economy Has Worst Growth Since 2002*

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The economy nearly stalled in the first quarter with growth slowing to a pace of just 0.6 percent. That was the worst three-month showing in over four years. Want to guess which three-month showings were worse in the last twelve years?

The new reading on the gross domestic product, released by the Commerce Department Thursday, showed that economic growth in the January-through-March quarter was much weaker than the propaganda from Snow Job made it out to be. Government statisticians slashed by more than half their first puffed up estimate of a 1.3 percent growth rate for the quarter. Remind me again, when has this administration had to raise these sort of estimates? Anyone? Bueller?

The main culprits for the downgrade: the bloated Republican't trade deficit and skittish Republican't businesses, who see the end of their gravy train, cutting investment in supplies of the goods they hold in inventories.

"We are still keeping our head above water - barely," said economist Ken Mayland of ClearView Economics.

For nearly a year, the economy has been enduring a stretch of subpar economic growth due mostly to a lack of confidence in the current american junta, combined with disastrous (for the middle class) Republican't fiscal policy causing a sharp housing slump. That in turn has made some businesses act more cautiously in their spending and investing.

The economy's 0.6 percent growth rate in the opening quarter of this year marked a big loss of momentum from the 2.5 percent pace logged in the final quarter of last year.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke doesn't believe the economy will slide into recession this year, nor do Bush administration officials because they're certain that there's no way their policies would ever cause an economic problems. But ex-Fed chief Alan Greenspan has put the odds at one in three now that he doesn't have to lie for this administration any more.

On Wall Street, investors took the weak GDP showing in stride. The Dow Jones industrials were up 22 points and the Nasdaq gained 14 points in morning trading.

The first-quarter's performance was the weakest since the final quarter of 2002, when the economy was recovering from a Repubilcan't recession. At that time, GDP eked out a 0.2 percent growth rate. Economists were predicting they'd get caught lying about the economy the first-quarter performance this year would be downgraded, but not as much as it did. They were calling for a 0.8 percent pace.

GDP measures the value of all goods and services produced in the United States. It is considered the best measure of the country's economic fitness.

In other economic news, the Labor Department reported that more people ran out of unenjoyment eligibility fewer people signed up for unemployment benefits last week. New filings dropped by 4,000 to 310,000. That suggests the optimistic, non reality based redefining of the employment climate is weathering well the economy's sluggish spell.

Another report showed that construction spending edged up by 0.1 percent in April, down from a 0.6 percent gain in the previous month. Spending by private builders on nonresidential projects and spending by the government on Republican't pork big projects each climbed to all time highs in April but that strength was tempered by continued weakness in residential construction.

In the GDP report, many economists believe the first quarter will be the low point for this year. They expect growth will improve but still be sluggish. And a rain of ponies will satiate the masses.

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Consumers boosted their spending by a 4.4 percent growth rate in the first quarter, the most in a year. Consumer spending accounts for a major chunk of economic activity.

Some economists wonder how much interest consumers will have in continued brisk spending, however, given rising gasoline prices that have topped $3 a gallon in most many markets. More money spent filling up the gas tank leaves less to spend on other things.

One of the reasons consumers have stayed so resilient even as the housing market has been stuck in a rut for a year is because the job market has been good for the mega-rich. The rest of us - not so much. Employers - still enjoying record profits and stagnant wage increases for all but the mega-rich - are keeping a close watch on non-executroid spending but they are not drastically clamping down on hiring sycophants.

Companies profits gained a bit of ground in the first quarter. One measure showed after tax profits rising by 1 percent, up from 0.8 percent in the fourth quarter. Amazingly, little of this trickled down below upper management. Go figure!

An inflation gauge tied to the GDP report and closely watched by the Fed showed that core prices - excluding food and energy, the two areas where prices have inflated wildly - rose at a rate of 2.2 percent in the first quarter. That was unchanged from an initial estimate but up from a 1.8 percent pace in the fourth quarter.

The Federal Reserve's key interest rate has been at 5.25 percent for nearly a year. Many economists predict the rubes won't fall for interest rate games any more the rate probably will stay right where it is through the rest of this year.