The Funny Farm
Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats...
Adventures of a Basic Force For Good in Our TimeTM
A few things to bring to the attention of the dozens (cough) who come and visit. We bring the following tibdits of infotainment to you, dear reader:
There's a new version of LavaSoft's Ad Aware out there. It's a 2.5 meg download, but even those of you getting by on dialup (yes, I'm talking to you, Stu!) should take the time to download this, save it wherever you keep software downoads, go to the Add/Remove Programs tool and remove your current version of Ad Aware, and then install the new version on your computer. Some of you may be aware of my level of paranioa regarding spyware on my computer. So, when I tell you that, after installing the new version, I suddenly found forty new pieces of spyware on my PC, perhaps you too will consider upgrading your version of Ad Aware.
We have finally managed to catch up on the backlog of Daily Show and Real Time shows we have had recorded. So now we can understand some of those references that were flying over our heads of late. We would also like to note that AnnThraxx Coulter is a lying weasel of a Psycho Hose Beast - she was on Real Time on Friday, and answered every question about George Bush with a pack of lies about John Kerry. Plus, she is either running short on cash, or she is late for her next hair appointment - the dark roots were showing on TV. And, Ann, you really should get your brain in gear before you start running off at the mouth. as with every modern Repugnicant Stepford Telebimbo, you utterly fail to address the question before spewing forth your vile screed. Don't froth on about Kerry when we ask you about the Deserter in Chief!
Our good friend Kenneth Quinell gives us The Delcaration of Independence From The Texas Souffle and a few other goodies over at Open Source Politics.
Motown's own best blogger Hesiod announces his retirement and the permanent deletion of his blog after the election in this post, then provides a wealth of linkage and commentary (and probably will until Tuesday). Let's hope the WayBack Machine is on the case!
Speaking of said WayBack Machine, it has now lost quite a bit of Blogger archives. Or should we say, the arhives are bloggered. the WayBack Machine has links pointing to some old Blogger pages that are no longer on their site. I just tried to get to the old Ann Slanders web pages, and found the they are no longer being stored by Blogger. So the WayBack Machine has lost them as well. Let's try and make sure that that is not the case with Counterspin Central. And, no - we haven't thought of anything except trying to manually cut and paste all of Hesiod's posts (blech!) into a plethora of Word documents...
Oh, yeah - Happy Halowe'en! We hope that you're going to have some fun tonight.
Dave Neiwert spanks Instacracker, Dean Esmay and drives his main point for lo these many years home in this post. It is once again an all day adventure particularly if you get through at least a few of the linked threads he sends you off to see.
And this is one post today amongst an update alert to his Thuggery File (of which we are happy to have contributed to the list) a post about a clone army, and some more mind candy. But don't take my word for it. Especially if you're underemployed right now, go get yourself some infotainment at Dave's place!
[Ed. Note: this post was temporally enhanced. The weekend looms large...]
Well... looky here what we gots from the Yes! Bush Can! website:
A week ago, we sent you an email asking for help debunking anti-Bush
documents. After receiving hundreds of responses, it become clear that
all the documents were actually real: the Bush/Cheney DUIs, the Ken Lay
letters, and even the bin Laden memo. For more information visit the
documents page:
http://www.yesbushcan.com/falsedocs.shtml
We also received hundreds of emails from concerned bloggers that eloquently expressed the problems with the Bush administration. And as we traveled across America campaigning for Bush, we learned more than we wanted to know about Bush's policies. We came to see that this As a result, we are abandoning our support of Bush and officially endorsing John Kerry for President. You can read more at the Yes Bush Can web site: We deeply regret our misguided support and apologize for our previous email. This will be the last email we will send directly to bloggers. If you want to join us in supporting Kerry, you can find out more here: Thank you for your understanding, Yes Bush Can |
Maybe there is hope after all...
Susie the Suburban Guerrilla tells us that there was a lunar eclipse last night. To quote from her post,
Astrologer Eric Francis says eclipses are when things suddenly speed up and come to fruition.
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That might explain a few things...
As you may be aware, the formerly stable, exciting, and enjoyable home life that we've tried to put together for ourselves and those near and dear to us has been shown to be unstable, dull, and miserable to some who were inhabiting it. We can't wait for the day when we will be able to say that it's old news that we aren't that concerned about anymore.
But for now, at least one possible factoid remains to be assessed accurately by Your Humble Narrator. And we're going to need your help to do it.
We have been reliably informed by family and friends that we were too nice of a guy through a lot of our recent situation. We have also been told that women do not respect nice guys. Which of course could be genericized to people do not respect nice people. To which we say: WTF is that again? You should not be considerate of your fellow traveller as you journey through life?
First of all, this sort of opinion almost necessitates that you also don't believe that you should respect courtesy or politeness or generally trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Which is counter to an awful lot of beliefs supposedly held by humanity for a few years. It kinda runs south from a lot of what we've been taught - you know? But it also accurately describes an awful lot of people out there right now. You know the ones - they're always taking advantage of whatever kindness they stumble upon. You seem to run into a dozen of them on the way to work every day, and more throughout your daily activities at times. You hear about the violent relationships where the abused partners keep coming back. And some of us wonder how anyone can choose such an existence...*
Secondly, we don't like the idea of a world where all there is is marks and sharks. But we're stuck living in it. How do you fend off the sharks and avoid broadcasting to the world that you're a mark without building your own fortress of solitude and keeping everyone else at arm's length?
Finally (for now)**, if all there is is marks and sharks***, it narrows down the pool of people we would care to associate with considerably. Sharks bite and you don't want to wake up with a chawed off leg one morning. And marks who are aware of the situation, can defend themselves, and are still able to let others within their fortress of solitude are few and far between. Is there a practical solution to this dilemma?
Okay - so maybe our brain hurts a bit right now. That's why we're asking you, dear reader, to add your opinions about what our puzzler is currently grokking on. Thanks to those of you who have stimulated our thought processes about this of late and any additional stray notions about this topic that you might have are most welcome.
* - We're not talking about those who have no choice. But we wonders what drives those who feel they have no choice. Aye, we wonders...
** - and the crowd (cough) screams with enjoyment!
*** - which of course we realize is a gross over-generalization of what's going on all around us every day. Maybe you can suggest a better analogy?
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Repugnicants Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On November 3rd
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Of course, the full online version is good to viddy as well. And the paper itself is wonderful (and can serve as fishwrap or paintbrush preserver) and about five times what you get online...
One of the best digs to hang out on The Fashionable Left Bank Of Blogistan for a long time now has been David Niewert's Orcinus. Besides producing novella-sized award-winning series and a couple of books (and a new series which is another fine piece of work from the little bit of it I have read so far), David shows an awful lot of us how a real journalist works and inspires us to try to produce a positive contribution to the bloggy goodness (cough) spewing out on the Web these days. It's been a while since we've been to his digs because it's generally an all day adventure even if you don't get to all the links he provides for his statements. We're so glad we finally got back to his zone, and we highly recommend you make it a regular stop on your information gathering forays on the internet.
In particular, today we'd like to drag you over to viddy Dismantling Democracy and Balkin' Malkin, a couple of powerful posts that give us all tons of infotainment while edumacating us to the electorative process.
This has been a public service announcement from the Funny* Farm News Burro. Stay tuned to this channel for lots more scary stuff. Unless I'm very much mistaken, it is getting close to Halowe'en...
P.S. In the day late and dollar short category, you should also check out this post that Riverbend put on her blog yesterday.
P.P.S. - Blunted On Reality has been suspended? WTF?!?!?
* - spelling corrected after the fact
We have been cruising into the week today, feeling good about our mental holiday over the weekend, where our current troubles (which are legion) were consigned to the dim reaches of our memory. And then we saw this (thanks to Don over at Blah3 for pointing out this article to us):
[slight additions of off-color commentary courtesy of the new, leaner and meaner Funny Farm Editorial staff]
Soviets Might Be Around if Kerry Had Led: Cheney - By REUTERS Published: October 23, 2004 FARMINGTON, N.M. (Reuters) - The Soviet Union might still exist and Saddam Hussein might dominate the Gulf if Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry had been president in recent years, Vice President Dick Cheney (R-Fearmonger) said on Saturday. Cheney told supporters that Kerry had run for the U.S. Senate in the 1980s on a promise to do away with many of the weapons that U.S. President Ronald Reagan used to end the Cold War (as opposed to actually voting against funding those weapons like Pencil Dick did). ``So if John Kerry had been in charge, maybe the Soviet Union would still be in business,'' President Bush's running mate said on a campaign trip to the swing state of New Mexico. (Yes, and monkeys could fly out of my butt at any moment. Rabid ditto monkeys - yeah, that's the ticket!) He also suggested that a Kerry presidency in the 1990s might have allowed former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to remain a global threat. ``In 1991, John Kerry voted against sending troops to expel Saddam Hussein after he invaded Kuwait. So if John Kerry had been in charge, Saddam Hussein might well control the Persian Gulf today,'' Cheney said. ``The desert heat is making Dick Cheney come unglued,'' said Kerry spokesman David Wade. ``Soon he'll be arguing that John Kerry lost the Battle of Gettysburg and sank the Lusitania,'' Wade said. [snip] |
So, let's see...
According to the logic (cough) presented to us on Saturday by the person occupying the second most powerful position in the United States government, if the Torturer in Chief was figurehead pResident during the Soviet missile crisis in the 1960's, the globe would be a smoking radioactive cinder for the next thousand years!
Oh, yeah - Dick, you can go Cheney yourself with your fearmongering hate speech about your opponent. Somebody connect this icehole's brain to his mouth...
This found its' way past my wandering glazzies earlier, and I thought I would pass it along to some of my friends (in particular my good friend Doc who is probably maligning crappy jazz musicians on his regular Monday night jazz show at the Mess in his frustration with the stench arising from the Miami NFL franchise). Another friend who shall remain nameless (coughcoughStucoughcough) could substitute references to the Yankees abysmal choking in the ACLS wherever he sees the Dolphins being mentioned - since I do believe that this collapse has set the standard for playoff choking - and you can't get worse than tanking a 3-0 lead in a best of seven series, now can you? Finally, George Steinbrenner has been damned. Thanks, Ralph!*
Here's Dolfans' survival guide (GREG COTE, gcote@herald.com
These dark days for the Dolphins are testing times for Dolfans as well. How does one adjust on the run from years of winning and general success to a sudden cliff-jump into sad-sackery? There are no how-to books for this. Yet the issue squarely confronts local fans as they prepare for Sunday's historic visit by the St. Louis Rams. Historic? By my reckoning this marks the Dolphins' first home game as a bona fide laughingstock. The status is quantifiable, with Miami now the NFL's lone winless team at 0-6, and verifiable in pop culture with the bloom of mocking monologue references launched by Jay Leno. Things have changed since Miami last played at home three weeks ago. There is no longer company for our misery; we are the standard bearer for bad. The season has transmogrified grimly into near-hopelessness and record-threatening ineptitude. A Sports Illustrated website poll this week found an 0-16 Dolphins season judged twice as likely as a 16-0 Patriots record. Could the Bizzaro Perfect Season, the evil anti-twin of 1972, actually be upon us? The NFL hasn't seen that since expansion Tampa Bay was 0-14 in 1976. Since then only seven times has a team won only once. But the Dolphins are being presumed among that company as a morbid curiosity attaches itself and will grow with each loss. So how is a Dolfan to react? Where is the etiquette guide for embarrassment? I'm here with some helpful suggestions on how a severely losing club might adapt the home-game experience it provides for fans. • Honesty is the best policy, so the first thing we do is, we look a really bad Dullphin offense right in the eye, and we change the name of the official mascot. The upright dolphin-suit guy now called "T.D." will henceforth be known as "P.U.N.T." Or, simply: "P.U." • Parking-lot tailgate areas will now include designated Weeping Zones and kiosks staffed by psychologists and anger-management experts. • The home field will henceforth be known as Semi-Pro Player Stadium. • Souvenir merchandise will now include giant foam hands holding up 32 fingers, Rick Spielman piñatas and official, NFL-licensed paper bags. There were a smattering of paper bags seen on heads at the last home game, but they were the standard, amateurish grocery-store variety with eyeholes cut out. Officially licensed Dolbags will be available in aqua, orange or "classic" brown, with precut eyes and a breathing hole inside hand-painted frowning lips. Limited-edition, Deluxe Dolbags also will be available in three different styles, featuring a Dave Wannstedt mustache (Wannstache); Jay Fiedler ears (FiedlEars) or a Ricky Williams coif (Quitlocks). • Concession stands will now stock Pepto-Bismol and blindfolds. • Roving vendors will toss bags of Paxil. Funny Farm note: you still need to talk to Rush if you want any OxyContin. • Beer sales will end after the third quarter, when hard-liquor sales will begin. • Dolphin cheerleaders will be more important than ever, as a diversion from what is occurring on the field. However, an adaptation of the usual cheers might be necessary. The standard "two bits, four bits" won't cut it any more. Chants will be updated, tailored. For example: "Two bits, four bits, we'll put you to sleep. All for the Dolphins, stand up and weep!" • With this in mind, cheerleaders will now be known as "tearleaders" and offer sympathy or consolation chants. For example: "Two bit, four bits, another pick by Jay. But at least this one wasn't, returned all the way!" I kid here, of course. I'm a josher. For the record, I don't think Miami will finish 0-16. But I do think the paper bags might proliferate if the winning doesn't start soon. I mentioned those custom-made Dolbags earlier but failed to mention they come into two sizes: Regular, to fit most fans. And extra-large, designed to fit over helmets. Updated on Friday, Oct 22, 2004 7:55 am EDT |
* - I do believe it has been mentioned before within these pages, but I thought I might refresh the memories of some, and let others (who have only recently begun to sample the bloggy goodness within this site) in on the gag. Ralph is the Great God of Luck. We discovered the need to worship Him after failing to give Him the proper obeisance during a night of heavy drinking - and found out that we must worship him in one form or another as long as we were drinking heavily. We don't do that any more (except for one night of soul-searing honesty of recent note), but we still find occasion to view Ralph's handiwork in the world around us. We trust that the God Squad types who visit the Funny Farm aren't offended by our beliefs, or are at least willing to let us believe them in peace. Just like we do with their weird occult pagan rituals...
This is being suggested by uggabugga. Not only do we have a fantasy-based administration to worry about, it is being figureheaded led by a Nineteenth century Bush.
Time to hit the dusty trail once again for work. Back in a bit...
So, yesterday here at the HQ of The Mighty K, a notice appears to all the employees to let us know that there will be a meeting of all staff so that an important announcement could be made to us. This immediately set off a lot of speclation as to the nature of the announcement - most of us have been waiting to find out if the rumors about relocating the corporate headquarters were true, and if so, where we are going and who is going to go. Alas, that mystery remains unsolved for another day.
Instead, we were informed that we have a new Reichsmarshal CEO by the name of Allwyn Lewis. By an amazing coincidence (cough) our new leader is a member of the boards of directors of Halliburton and Disney. Let's hope that our little efforts to amuse and infotain here at the Funny Farm are not considered to be against our corporate philosophy now. Or that any loyalty oaths will be required of employees who wish to continue to be gainfully employed here. And of course we satirically mentioned our fear of being tagged with the mark of the beast knowing full well that it is not even close to happening. Still - we wonders. Aye, we wonders...
...while reading this post over at The Daily Kos. It sounds a little like the Democrats are pulling out all the stops and bringing in most of their big guns in this election. What if they're getting set up to be sandbagged by some piece of Freepertrash with an Uzi?
Not that anyone might have suggested it already or anything like that...*
Is anybody else scared yet?
* - I was looking for a link to the story I saw a while back where some ditto monkey fantasized about how some of the Democrats in power would get offed so that the Repugnicants would have super majorities in all of Congress as well as the pResidency and control of the courts. If anybody else remembers what I am talking about here I would appreciate it if you could point me to it...
"I thought you were going to be funny. go on, be funny!" - Tucker Carlson, (R - Disingenuous Hypocrite) (coughcoughpartisanhackcoughcough) "No, no, I'm not going to be your monkey." - Jon Stewart, the Daily Show Crossfire, October 15, 2004 |
I received this in my email the other day:
More False Documents RatherGate proved that bloggers are the best fact checkers. That is why we are writing to a few bloggers asking for help.
Let's spring to action before these documents needlessly tarnish the reputation of our Commander and Chief. You know the drill: analyze the handwriting, search for factual errors, and post your discoveries. And keep us posted by sending email to Imawhorefortheelite@repugnicantbastiches.com. Thanks in advance for your help. YesBushCan |
Yes, this is an actual email from an actual site (although the names have been changed slightly). They are now actually trying to start Orwellian historical revision. If pRezNit Who Cares What You Think? gets re-electorated, how long do you think it will be before this sort of activity is done by an official government bureaucracy?
Culled from the finest offerings of The Fashionable Left Bank of BlogistanTM, if you haven't been to these sites and seen these posts, we strongly advise you to check them out:
Bush Screws Our Troops at Counterspin
When The Natives Get Restless, You Know you're In Trouble at The People's Republic Of Seabrook
The Simple Strategy at Hullabaloo
Terrorism pResident at Thudfactor
there's something about mary - a skippy rant at everyone's favorite lower case bush kangaroo
Odessa, Ocala - Same Thing...at The Talking Dog
GOP Election Theft In Ohio Red Alertat Counterspin
And finally, some must see TV on Crossfire (found courtesy of NewMexiKen by way of The Mahablog
There are of course many other ineteresting tidbits to be enjoyed, including some previously pointed to earlier. In the meantime, I've got some haiku to catch up on and a few things to get ready for a busy day tomorrow. Back again in a bit...
This is the final installment of Friday Cat Blogging here at the Funny Farm. We might possibly consider some roving photography of other cats - but after this weekend there will be no more felines inhabiting the premises.
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Riverbend reminds us that there are other health care plans which have been frelled enhanced (cough) by Chimpy The Usurper and the God Squad*. And we find that it's not the terrorists who have enabled this new drug problem. That's two for two - both Afghanistan and Iraq have more illegal drugs being produced within their borders since being "liberated" by the BFEE AmeriKKKan gub'mint. Thanks, Putsch!
Anyways,... why don't you go and check out what Riverbend has to say about her situation. Time for me to get back into the orifice for yet another exciting day of information retrieval and processing. Back in a bit...
* - we mean no offense to spiritual people, but we humbly request that any people of true faith renounce the shameless abuse of spirituality exhibited by the current maladministration since they usurped office in 2000.
...to this post earlier this week. The post was meant to be concisely informative about the sequence of events that took place and the situation as it stood at the time of the writing of the post (before we had received any communication from anyone about the situation). We regret any offense taken and wish to stress once again that I wrote something I was hoping would sum things up in a way my friends would understand. We would also like to amend the statement made in the previous post, in that she is no longer refusing to speak to me*. And things are getting better every day.
The Funny Farm will return to some of its' former news culling capabilities in the near future. In the meantime, it's twenty days until the election. do you know where and how you're going to vote? Shouldn't you find out?
* - we haven't mentioned anything about our communications with him. And we won't be getting into any of the nitty-gritty at all (for all of you gossip vultures hanging on every word...). We will be trying to keep it out of our scribblings but have to confess it will probably color them for some time.
We apologize for the inconvenience
This must have drifted past the glazzies of intrepid Funny Farm Staff Reporter Candy Girl, and then she felt it worthy of our consideration. It gave us a slight giggle, and considering our present circumstances, anything that makes us giggle is fair game for this page. We're sure she's dying to see which of the many (virus-free - always a plus!) emails is going to be featuerd on these pages today, so without further ado:
The first man had married a woman from Iowa, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Wisconsin. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Michigan girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper. Got to love those girls from Michigan... |
...to this post from late last week. It's getting a little bit easier every day. But let me tell you, when your girlfriend (who is also your best friend) runs off with your other best friend, it's hard to take. Especially when she bolts off in the middle of the night without any words of explanation, and refuses to talk to you after that. Not that I'm venting a bit by dropping this in the blog or anything like that...
But, seriously, even though it was only a few words of encouragement, it meant a world of difference to me. There were a few unexpected sources of consolation over the weekend as well as some long-overdue family discussions (one of the many things I neglected because it seemed to be somewhat uncomfortable for my ex to handle) which also improved my outlook immeasurably. Thanks to you all for your kind words during these personally troubling times.
All thanks and homage to fellow Wild-Eyed Coalition Member Hoffmania for providing us with this important link and showing the blogsphere yet another example of compassionate conservatism in actin. I'm sure that I have seen news of this on another site in the links zone; but I can't get motivated to hunt for that particular nugget this morning for some reason. In the meantime, read the editorial that Hoffmania links to, and help out in any way you desire.
...if anybody else thought that the second presidential debate was almost the same as the first? Sometimes even the point / counterpoint was almost identical in cadence. Almost the exact wording, too.
Or is it just me?
Through various nefarious means we have managed to get ahold of this important update:
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From : TheAirCar info@theaircar.com Last MDI News - Compressed Air Technology. Dear Funny Farm: As you can see in the above article, the coverage is both positive and negative, something we are now used to. The experts speaking about the /air /car here do not know the technical or economic details of the project, which is why they refer to problems that do not exist; for example, the need to send cars from the USA to France for repairs etc. Nevertheless, the result has been almost 90 investors requesting further information on purchasing factories and more than 1000 orders for cars on the internet (of which 90% are from the USA, Canada and Brazil) in the last 72 hours. We continue to work towards securing the MDI Air Cars place in the market while consolidating the potential of the engines many other future uses including marine applications, co-generation, public transport, electricity generators and electricity storage etc....there is also interest in possible military uses. All of this allows us to offer new production licences and thereby help the project financially. Thank you for your interest and your time, Best regards, Miguel Celades Rex |
The day I mention how much in love I am with my girlfriend of slightly over two years, she calls me up to tell me that she is in love with another man.
I think I might be a little indisposed for a bit...
We just listened to this song recently, and thought you might enjoy checking out the lyrics too:
Time Waits For No One Hurry up, get along, be on your way And make sure that your certain it's not the wrong day Punctual people are lost in their plight To become unprecedented when they arrive Why am I searching and when will I know? All the years that I've waited with nothing to show? Ready to listen, I'm ready to win But I can't wait much longer before we begin. Time waits for no one Time waits for no one No one,No one There's time to conceive in, and time to expire Though the time 'twixt the two tells the tale that transpires So why must we continually disturb the universe With decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse So people don't worry 'bout where you've went wrong Cause you know if you hurry, it takes twice as long Relax and forget about what's to be done, it's time to have fun Time waits for no one Time waits for no one It really doesn't matter much to me I know the best times are timeless, you'll see... |
If you get a minute, and are able to handle the frustration, go and check out the new Florida ballot. You'll be glad you did! Remember to practice using this type of ballot in a few weeks - especially if you are voting in a swing state.
This post falls into the day late and dollar short category (if we had any categories here in the first place), since our fist venture into bloggy goodness was made on October 5, 2002 in the heady days before the 2002 punking elections. We were also very happy to be returning from BartFest Vegas and grooving on all the hep cats we met there.
We were also radiantly ecstatic about our growing relationship with the most wonderful lady we have ever had the good fortune to come in contact with, and the successful conclusion of our first extended vacation together. The magic continues to this very day, and the best part about the whole thing is that she loves us too!
We've moved into bigger and better digs both here in The Fashionable Left Bank Of Blogistan and in real life. We've also managed to travel extensively in both realms as well, and would like to thank our regular stops along the way here in cyberspace (you can see most of them on the left hand side of this page). We have made it into the Dog Run and (oh so rarely these days) graced the pages of Open Source Politics. And it is still fun to this very day.
Thanks to all who have come to visit, and thanks to all who have enjoyed these wanton scribblings. Be sure to stop by and check out what's new in my world...
Comic Rodney Dangerfield Dies in L.A. at Age 82.
Dangerfield suffered a stroke following heart valve replacement surgery in August and "developed infectious and abdominal complications from which he did not recover," Sasaki said.
During the past week, the entertainer emerged from a coma he had slipped into sometime after the operation, according to his wife, Joan. "When Rodney emerged, he kissed me, squeezed my hand, and smiled for the doctors," she said in a statement. A native of New York's Long Island, Dangerfield had endured a series of health problems and surgeries in recent years, including double-bypass heart surgery in March 2000 and an operation three months later to correct an aneurysm. He also suffered a mild heart attack in November 2001. Last spring, he underwent brain surgery. A month later, Dangerfield greeted reporters at the hospital dressed in a sports shirt and Bermuda shorts and declared, "My brain is OK. I feel like a new man." Later, responding to a medical question, he answered, "Ask me about things I'm familiar with, like drugs or prostitution." |
This brings to mind another quotable joke which is oddly appropriate:
If I take excellent care of myself for the rest of my life, I'll get very sick and die. |
Rest in peace, Rodney.
Middle School Teacher In Trouble Over Presidential Photo? scream the headlines. We read that a schholteacher is fired for putting up a picture of pRezNit Mexed Missages. At least, that's what was reported in the media.
Turns out that's not the way it happened at all (Click on the scrolling link at the top of the page if you want to see the original)*:
[Slight enhancements and altered verbiage courtesy of the Funny Farm News Burro]
Announcements from the South Brunswick Board of Education
October 3, 2004 - District Statement Regarding Bulletin Board at Crossroads Middle School
In an incident that has recently been reported to several media The facts are as follows: Ms. Pillai-Diaz is a new Language Arts teacher in the South Brunswick Schools. Recently, the school administration began receiving complaints from students and parents that Ms. Pillai-Diaz was using her position, classroom and teaching time to engage in partisan politics. Students reported that she had made statements which denigrated one party over the other. The conversations included Ms. Pillai-Diaz telling some students who offered opinions contrary to her statements, that she was "glad they were not old enough to vote." Other comments to students, including such statements as, "you should be ashamed to be a Democrat" have been verified through student interviews. A classroom bulletin board, normally intended for curriculum-related matters, was set up as what she herself described as a "personal bulletin board." On the bulletin board she placed a picture of Smirky McWarHardon, pRezNit Dry Drunk's dog, the Oval Following receipt of complaints from parents, the Assistant Principal met with Ms. Pillai-Diaz and cautioned her not to engage in partisan political discussions in her Language Arts classes. He did not initially ask her to remove the picture of Drinky McDumbAss. As the issue grew in intensity, the teacher herself chose to remove the stuffed elephant because of student comments. In the ensuing days, parents expressed increasing concern about the teacher's classroom behavior, the misuse of classroom instructional time and the personal bulletin board. The level of concern resulted in a classroom confrontation between some parents and Ms. Pillai-Diaz at the Back-to-School night program. It was at this point that the school administration decided to intervene again. On Friday morning, October 1, Ms. Pillai-Diaz was directed by the Assistant Principal to remove bulletin board materials because they were being viewed as contributing to an ongoing disruption of the teaching-learning environment. She refused. She then met with the Principal who repeated the directive. At this point, Ms. Pillai-Diaz abruptly left the building, abandoning her post of duty and her classroom responsibilities. At no time was she told to leave, asked to leave or given authorization to leave. School was still in session. At no time was she told she was suspended or fired. With professional responsibilities of a classroom teacher waiting, Ms. Pillai-Diaz chose, of her own volition, to walk out of the school, contact various media sources and claim she had been fired. I had occasion to meet with Ms. Pillai-Diaz, along with a union representative and a police escort that she had requested, for approximately two hours when she returned to the building later that same afternoon. After listening to her story, I asked if any member of the administration had used the phrase "you're fired" or anything that remotely sounded like it. She admitted that no one had used any such language. When I further pursued why she reported to media sources that she had been fired, she said that she "thought" that she had been. I explained that principals cannot fire employees, that only Boards of Education can do so. With her union representative present, she said that she now understood. I asked that when I fully support the actions of the Principal and Assistant Principal. It is never acceptable for a teacher to utilize the classroom to advocate for political purposes or advance personal beliefs. The courts have always admonished teachers for proselytizing in public school classrooms. This issue is not about a picture of pResident Who Cares What You Think?, but rather a zealous misuse of seventh and eighth grade student instructional time. The South Brunswick School community is enormously respectful of the Office of the President of the United States, The Texas Souffle and the democratic process for choosing our President. Anyone trying to suggest the contrary has the worst of intentions. Under other circumstances, the display of a picture of the President would have been viewed as completely appropriate and uncontroversial. It is important to note that pictures of pResident Yellow Stain are openly displayed in all of the South Brunswick Schools. The teacher's own actions here, however, took it out of the realm of education and made the presentation appear partisan to many of our students and parents. Under these circumstances, our actions in directing the removal of the display were singularly appropriate. Gary P. McCartney Ed D. © 2004 South Brunswick Public Schools |
With much praise and homage to The Suburban Guerrilla for finding this nugget.
* - I wanted to make sure this was as freely available as possible - so there are very few alterations in the text. I hope I have managed to convey a somewhat more, um, partisan interpretation of the school's statements than the originals. However, in accordance with Funny Farm Post Protocols, we choose not to use the proper name of the Usurper in Thief on these pages. We hope you understand...
Regular readers to this site know that we rarely, if ever, talk about our Misleader in Chief by using his real name. They are also aware that Drinky McDumbAss is not referred to by the same name twice in a post, as a rule. But there are new exciting descriptive phrases being thought up every day by enterprising souls when discussing pRezNit Do As I Say, Not As I Do that some may not have heard yet (for some strange reason [coughcoughmediawhoresupBFEEbuttcoughcough] I don't hear very many derogatory comments about Smirky McWarHardon in the mainstream media). We here at the Funny Farm are pleased to try and help out with this situation by showing you, gentle reader, how others describe our Usurper in Thief, as well as some of the more original monikers for pResident Who Cares What You Think?.
So, without further ado, here's the first in a continuing (at least until the election) series. It comes to us from The Pungent Aftertaste of Cognitive Emesis in a post titled The fundamentals of biology, which is in and of itself a wonderful reading experience - especially if you understand the big words. This nugget in particular stands out, when kemibe refers to the Texas Souffle as
an uncurious born-again bumpkin of privilege |
The Funny Farm salutes Kevin Beck for bringing a smile to our melon this day. And Pharyngula, syaffolee, and The Modulator for jostling our thinker just enough to make it thrum with enjoyment.
With extreme thanks to our as-yet-to-be-credited, but still occasionally contributing over the years, Funny Farm Staff Member Candy Girl* for providing us with the grist for this post.
OLYMPIC COMMENTS
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew." 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... |
* - who undoubtedly got it passed along somewhere in her general vicinity, and thought that it might provide us with a chuckle or two. And of course she was right! But we do seem to have quite a set of characters around here these days...
Your Humble Narrator is pictured in yesterday's BartCop. I'm the guy who's not Lewis Black in the picture...
Too bad the link attached to the picture goes to Greg Palast's website. I mean, I like the work he's doing and all, but I would hope that any link to a picture of the proprietor of the Funny Farm and a comedian would expect the link to go to either the Funny Farm or the comedian's website, right? Then again, I am constantly amazed the Bart gets so many things into each of his pages every day. Occasionally I have posted multiple times in one day to the site, and a couple of times the frequency of posts was extremely high (for me and this site). And I still didn't come close to putting up as much content as Bart does on a slow day. It took a lot of planning and more pre-post planning than a normal day, too. So maybe it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things that I got stiffied by karma again. But I would appreciate it, if any Invisible Cloud Beings are paying attention to this rant, if you could manage to turn that frelling irony alert siren off once in a while...
