The Funny Farm
Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats...
Adventures of a Basic Force For Good in Our TimeTM
Thursday, 5 Goodenuf 2006
Whereupon I shamelessly rip off an idea I saw at Thudfactor: can you name the artist and the song title that these lyrics come from? Your only hints on the songs are that each group / artist is considered Canadian content (according to my Can con recollections from the distant past). Plus, I'm an old fart - so the odds that these songs will be recently released are somewhat lower than usual. And each of these artists is a personal fave of Your Humble Narrator. Almost half of them might be considered obscure in the United States, but most are mainstream musical talents that you have probably heard of. And some of them are no longer performing at all, much less in the incarnation that created the music. I will be very surprised (and impressed) if somebody knows all of these (besides a couple of my best friends who have probably heard most of these tunes waaaaaay too many times)*. No online searches for lyrics (that would be cheating!).
Here we go:
1. pray for the lemmings who think I lead
2. I know who to thank for all the money in my bank
3. let's be outspoken, let's be ridiculous, let's solve all the world's problems
4. I swear I won't be the way I was before
5. we're all in the same boat ready to float off the edge of the world
6. I know what you're thinking, I haven't been drinking
7. cocaine coloured computer cards
8. Saddam and his cow disease spiced up with some gratuitous sex
9. overload your senses until you hit the ground
10. stay close to me while the sky is falling
There could be multiple correct answers for some of these**. The correct answers to this quiz would the the artist and song for the correct Canadian one.
* - Special Note: I would respectfully ask that my friends Doc, Doug and Stu from the Great White North restrict themselves to comments only here. Youse guys would probably get most of these right off the bat.
** - I couldn't find any, but you never know...
Update: comments are now closed (thanks, spammers, for making sure I allow a limited window of access to commenters here at the Funny Farm. Especially Mike Furir, whoever the Cheney you are). I will be updating this post with the answers in a little while.
Humpday, 4 Goodenuf 2006
It appears that a number of luminaries are suggesting that the Washington Post replace the aspiring plaigarist demonstrably faux journalist blogger formerly known as Augustine at Red State with Jesus' General. There's even a few guidelines for a manly response to the powers that be if you feel so inclined.
Here's what I sent:
To: Washington Post executive editor I was recently informed that you are looking for a replacement to the recently created position of conservative blogger, due to the untimely resignation of your first choice for the job. I can think of no other blogger who could accurately portray the plight of the poor opressed white conservative male than Jesus' General. His helpful suggestions to many prominent figures have been widely praised for their clear vision of His Inner Light, and their ingenuity in finding ways to further advance His Word without upsetting the other elements of society who have not Found The Way. Your fine publication would only enhance its' reputation amongst the blogsphere should you see fit to employ a writer such as Jesus' General as its' official conservative blogger. I strongly urge you to consider this course of action as soon as you can practically do so. Further, I am willing to put my money where my mouth is in this situation. Should you choose to employ Jesus' General in the position of the Washington Post Online's conservative blogger for an entire year, I will agree to purchase a subscription to the Washington Post for that year. The only option available to me where I live is to get an electronic copy of the print version of the Post at $9.95 a month. That's almost $119.40 for the year by my calculations - a small fortune to anyone who values their $300 tax credit on the first pittance that Uncle Sam gets to leech off of every taxpaying American - but more than worth it if I can read the General's blog post at the online Post every day. I'll be waiting to hear who you finally decide is worthy to fill this spot at the Washington Post Online. Good luck in your search! Best Regards, (: Tom :) |
Maybe you'd like to send something to them too?
[Editor's Note: I didn't want to put any hyperlinks in my email - it often causes instant rejection - so I did not spruce up this email with the linked examples in the above post, for the Post to use in its' evaluation. I'm sure somebody over there knows how to use Google, or even visit JG's blog archives, and they'd see those entries anyhow (they're currently on the front page of the blog), as well as many more that can attest to the uber-conservative manliness of the General.]
Update One: ombudsman at wahingtonpost dot com is not accepting any emails. Presumably Deborah Howell doesn't like to actually listen to anyone whilst occupying the ombudsman's role at the paper. Or I got the wrong email addy. Time will tell...
Sunday, 2 Goodenuf 2006
I was privileged to be able to head out to the Great White North this weekend for a visit with one of my best friends south of the border. It was even nicer to be able to share some wondrous NCAA basketball over the weekend, but it was even nicer still to watch the Montreal Canadiens pummel the Toronto Maple Leafs in their final regular season meeting. And it tickled my funny bone something fierce when I saw the title of this post on some of the hand made signs in the Molson Centre.*
Here's hoping you managed to squeeze some fun and games into your life this weekend...
* - Cristobal Huet is their new hot goaler's last name. So lately, I've seen some Hip Hip Huet's and some Cristo Wall signs when I manage to catch Montreal in their natural Habitat.
Thursday, 28 Priming 2006
First of all, you should talk to Nedra Pickler, and work on your Picklerisms. Especially if you want to pretend that you're actually trying to make a point, instead of shill some more for your Repugnicant masters.
Second of all, in your latest screed, you say:
How many incompetent military campaigns can we assign, just for starters, to Klein's hero Clinton? The bombing of the El Shifa pharmaceutical factory in Sudan? The "Black Hawk Down" fiasco and withdrawal in Somalia? What about Jimmy Carter's failed hostage rescue that fell apart in the desert and humiliated an entire nation in the eyes of the world? |
You might possibly be interested to know that some people would tend to think that Jimmy Carter's failed hostage rescue that fell apart in the desert and humiliated an entire nation in the eyes of the world would be hard to lay at the feet of a president who was elected to the office over twelve years after it took place*.
You might also possibly be interested to know that some people would tend to think that the whole Black Hawk Down episode took place because PapaDoc Putsch sent a bunch of under-equipped soldiers in harm's way right after Clinton got elected, but before he officially took office, and then left them there for Clinton to clean up. Sort of the same way that Repugnicant iceholes tend to make messes, and Democrats tend to have to clean up after them.
I would also be interested to know if you have any clue as to how often Paul Begala bows toward Chappaqua on a prayer mat, if you have any clue as to how often Joe Klein bows toward Chappaqua on a prayer mat, and how those numbers compare. I would say that your statement here, while possibly being technically accurate (IMHO I would think that both numbers would be equal - to zero), is intentionally misleading in the worst way possible. At least as far as journalistic integrity is concerned.
Third (and last - I told you it was a quick note) of all, I'd like to let you in on a little secret. Bill Clinton is no longer the president. He hasn't been for over five years now. Possibly you could check out some of the improprieties of the Repugnicant executive, the Repugnicant House of Representatives, the Repugnicant Senate, the Repugnicant civil service, and the Repugnicant judiciary in order to track down some of the reasons why your Repugnicant lapdog Joe Klein is now biting the hand that has been feeding him. Maybe if some of your fellow Repugnicant mainstream media members would stop pushing Repugnicant propaganda and repeating it has some sort of bearing to reality, you wouldn't get surprised when you hear some actual truth once in a while. If it wasn't so utterly hypocritical, and so completely out of touch with the real world, it might be ironically amusing when you ask if Paul Begala can be straightforweard about anything. Good luck selling your message now that a majority of Americans (to go along with the majority of humanity who caught on quite some time ago) won't buy your kimchee any more.
Have a nice day!
* - Some people also think that the Carter hostage rescue was deliberately sabotaged by your Repugnicant masters. I realize that actually blaming Repugnicants for the things they do is against your religion, but you might consider such things if you had any of that 'journalistic integrity' stuff rattling around within your puffy melon.
Humpday, 27 Priming 2006
Apparently this is one of those things that America has imported from our invadees: Texas arresting people in bars for being drunk*. I can hardly hear my inner muse here, what with the irony alert monitor redlining and all...
It would be one thing if the reporting of the story included information about whether this was sober rational assessment that a drunken troublemaker was going to go out and get his piece and wreak havoc, or hidebound, Vogonic adherence to public intoxications statutes. But I can't see any detail on that sort of thing in the brief news snippet I see at the other end of the Yahoo link. And I certainly know what I'd like to believe, as well as what I would estimate would be the reality of this radical strategery in police revenue generation.
You know, if Texas would only pass one of those unlawful cohabitation laws, you could start dragging unlawful fornicators out of their homes in the middle of the night! Think of the publicity! Think of the tourist trade! Think of the Faux Network COPS! episodes!
Is anybody else scared yet?
* - Thanks to Invictus over at Blah3 for finding this gem.
Sunday, 25 Priming 2006
Well, the final nominees have been selected for the Koufax Awards over at Wampum. And since it looks like I might be on a roll with this blogging thang again, I thought I would share with you, dear reader, how I cast my votes this year.
The envelopes, please:
Best Blog (non-pro): Crooks & Liars |
As usual, the voting was very difficult - there are an awful lot of good nominees, and everyone who made it to the finals should be proud that they've gotten this far. Congratulations to everyone still getting votes. And hopefully we can break our own trend and actually vote for more than one of the eventual winners this year...
Saturday, 24 Priming 2006
I had an interesting experience tonight.
After watching the Pistons defeat the Atlanta Hawks at the Palace in Auburn Hills, Michigan, I was walking by a Hummer, and decided to join the flip off a Hummer group right there and then.
Needless to say (but I will anyway), I soon thereafter had the privilege (cough) of engaging in a face to face dialogue with the owner of said Hummer. A number of comments were made on both sides, mine mainly consisting of profanities calling into question the Hummer owner's parentage, his propensity for engaging in sexual activity with his female parent, and his resemblance to an orifice commonly used for waste excretion*, as well as asking him how many soldiers he got to the mile with his land yacht. He responded with a number of comments as to my probable financial status, and the female who was accompanying him suggested that he should run me over with his vehicle. He leapt out of his vehicle to get within striking range of Your Humble Narrator, and seemed to be on the verge of violence, but unexpectedly for a supposed macho man he slunk back into his mansion on wheels before any fisticuffs took place.
So, do the Funny Farm a favor. Should you happen to see a Hummer with the customized license plate JUSTIN on the back, flip this idiot the bird for me. And tell him that your bird was sent to him specially, on behalf of the guy who flipped him off in the Palace parking lot.
* - yes, I called him a motherCheneying icehole, and a bastitch.
Fryday, 23 Priming 2006
I can't help but notice (thanks to the ever-vigilant Hoffmania) that others are finally noticing that Drinky McDumbass constantly uses straw men in order to demonize those who dare to express anything other than unconditional loyalty and support for his chimperial person. I mean, even the Associated Press has picked up a clue here. After only five years of constantly having to deal with it, too...
You know, lately some people have repeatedly claimed they were "compassionate conservatives", while sending thousands of American soldiers to their deaths in Iraq, and spending over a half a billion trillion1 dollars to do it. I strongly disagree that these people are either compassionate or conservative. I could go on about record deficits, more national debt than all of the past holders of the highest office (including Ray-Gun and his creation of more national debt than everyone else before him), tax cuts for the rich by taxing the poor more, tax giveaways to oil companies, increasing executive salaries while campaigning against a raise in the minimum wage, and a host of other fiscally irresponsible and morally bankrupt actions by some people. But I wouldn't live long enough to catalog it all, and I can think of a number of other things I'd like to do with the rest of my life, if you know what I mean...
Also, I have heard that some people also claim that they're helping the environment, when they actually are gutting environmental policies, and giving handouts to their fatcat friends in the oil and coal industries, while those same companies are blatantly ignoring the few rules these "friends of the environment" still have left that they're supposed to obey. To this lying idiotic son of a Cheneying icehole, I say that your lies, high crimes, and felonies (you just jumped over that whole misdemeanor thing, "buff" dude) will not be forgotten. And although you have never been held accountable for anything during the entirety of your life to date, I have faith* that your crimes will not go unpunished.
Some people say that the American military is not stuck in the middle of a bloody civil war that is taking place because some poeple started a war that was unjustly and illegally engaged in because of the illogical and fraudulent demands of some people. I say to you, my fellow Americans, that these people are afraid to face the truth of their own actions, and in their shame and cowardice seek to find others to blame for their illegal activities. They should be held accountable for their criminal behavior.
Finally**, some people have consistently demonstrated their callous and incompetant behavior while usurping the executive branch of the United States government. These people should be publicly shunned from this day forward, and should never again awake to a day where they are not reminded of their criminally clueless actions in turning America into a theofascist state where every man, woman and child's share of the national debt is now over $100K and rising.
I could go on, but I have other things to do. And it would take a good-sized novel to list, in highlight form, all of the malfeasance that some people have been up to - just since they stole the highest office in the land, never mind the rest of their immoral, illegal time on the planet.
May reality finally catch up to your bubble, and burst it in the worst way imaginable.
* - in reality!
** - and the crowd screams with enjoyment!
1 - origianlly I mistakenly stated that some people wasted over half a billion dollars. Some people might have personally wasted half a billion dollars in taxpayer monies while claiming to be a "compassionate conservative".
The Funny Farm regrets the error.
Sunday, 11 Priming 2006
There are some who say that I have missed my true calling - that I should have become an ardent proponent of certain belief systems. I am quite sure that there has been some disappointment in the previous generation that I did not choose to lead a more Roman Catholic spiritual life. And it's also a certainty that I have enough passion to perform the duties therein. They've also suggested that I might be good in the political arena (somehow they seem to note a connection between religion and politics - almost as though they're two sides of the same coin or something like that). Let's just say that, while I don't feel that RC's the way to be, I still have a number of viewpoints that I feel very strongly about.
That's why I feel that I must show you this edict today:
[emphasis courtesy of the Funny Farm Editorial Staff]
South Dakota Abortion Law Infringes on Religious Freedom of Realists
Edict Date: 03-03-2006 The decision of the State of South Dakota to ban all abortions puts a substantial burden on the sincerely held beliefs of the Church of Reality which believes that a woman has an absolute right to an early term abortion without any outside restrictions. The right of a woman to control her own reproduction is vital to the advancement of society which is necessary to advance the cause of exploring reality the way it really is. This law violates several of the Sacred Principles of the Church of Reality including, but not limited to, the Principle of Freedom, Principle of Privacy, Principle of Positive Evolution, Principle of Inclusiveness, Principle of Compassion, Principle of Environmentalism, Principle of Personal Responsibility and the Principle of Wisdom. We cannot grow as a society where the government can command our women to bear children against their will. We are a fiercely independent and individualistic religion that places great sanctity on the value of personal choice which includes one of the most personal of all decisions, the decision of bearing children. For thousands of years women have suffered persecution as second class beings and have been forced into a state of oppression based on religious doctrine. The Church of Reality takes the position that the human race will be far better off by helping women become fully equal in status to men. In order to accomplish sexual equality women need to be empowered. We hold that the rights of women have intrinsic value and that society is diminished when women are denied the ability to make their own life decisions and to control their own destiny. We in the Church of Reality recognize that overpopulation of the planet is a serious threat to the integrity of human civilization and that overpopulation is worsened when women are compelled to bear children against their will. We hold that overpopulation is a threat to our environment and a threat to the stability of society. We believe that overpopulation is a threat to positive evolution and will lead to war, plagues, and famine. We reject the notion that pregnancy is God's way of punishing teenage girls for chastity violations. We believe that a person has the right to control their own lives and make their own choices even if those choices are considered to be clearly wrong choices. We hold that the individual has a sacred right to live the life they choose to live and to enjoy and suffer the consequences of their decisions. We hold these personal decisions to be private and not a matter that requires any justification or explanation to society. We take the position that a person begins their existence and has the rights of a human being at live birth. We reject that personhood and personal rights begin at conception. We in fact recognize that the two cells that make up a person are alive before conception and that conception is one of many steps necessary to produce a person. It has no more significance than any other necessary step. We hold that the true purpose of these restrictions on abortion is the furtherance of a religious agenda that is contrary to our religious beliefs and that then members of our church should not be subject to domination by the doctrines of other religions that we don't agree with. The State of South Dakota wants to force women who are raped to bear the children of their attacker against their will! In particular, the South Dakota law prohibits all abortions even in cases of rape or incest. Therefore if a father rapes his daughter and impregnates her, she is forced to bear his child under the law. We in the Church of Reality finds this to be repulsive. Not only is the rape victim who would seek an abortion criminalized, but the doctor who provided the abortion would be criminalized as well. We find the idea of the State forcing women who are raped to bear the children of the rapist to be fundamentally opposite to our standards of right and wrong and to be both morally and religiously offensive. Our belief system requires us to be compassionate towards rape victims and empowering women by giving them the resources to end pregnancies that were caused by a violent attacker. For us to allow the State of South Dakota to deny these women abortion services is to allow government cruelty towards the female members of our church. Realists have a religious duty to protect women from state sponsored oppression. Pursuant to the Religious Freedom Restoration Act and consistent with the Supreme Court decision upholding the right to religious freedom, I Marc Perkel, as the highest authority of Church of Reality law do hereby declare and decree by edict the following: 1. That the right of a woman to choose to have an abortion is an intrinsic right recognized by Church of Reality doctrine. 2. That the Church of Reality finds that the South Dakota Abortion Ban is repulsive, barbaric, unethical, irresponsible, and immoral. 3. That this law infringes upon our freedom of religion under the First Amendment and places a substantial burden on our sincerely held religious belief in the right of women to choose to have abortions. 4. That this law is a thinly veiled attempt by other religions to exercise religious domination by using the power of the state to further their religious cause at the expense of our First Amendment right to free exercise of our religious beliefs. 5. That the law criminalizes abortion providers preventing them from providing abortions services to Realists cutting off our female members' ability to legally obtain an abortion. 6. That it is our position that the State of South Dakota has no compelling government interest in prohibiting abortions and therefore, pursuant to the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, the rights of Realists to get abortions in South Dakota take precedent over South Dakota law. We therefore demand that the State of South Dakota make provisions in their law enforcement system to allow members of the Church of Reality to legally obtain abortions and to provide doctors and other health care professionals immunity from prosecution for providing abortion services to Realists. |
The Funny Farm wholeheartedly supports this religious doctrine and would welcome others to consider more reality-based methods of helping Realists obtain the religious freedoms allowed them by law.
And please note that nowhere does anyone promote abortion as a lifestyle here. All that is being said is that others should be allowed the ability to make their own decision about it - that they have the choice.
You can read the original edict here, and look up the various sacred principles mentioned within it, along with so much more about the Church of Reality, in your spare time. I particularly like the news flash down a the bottom of the page. Enjoy!
Fryday, 9 Priming 2006
This being our latest quizzical inclinations:
|
And that being some more of the songs in my head:
Besides the traditional breakfast with the Beatles or weekend morning oldies (which are no longer Big Band, or even Elvis or non-Beatle sixties music, these days), there are a couple of tunes that somehow get into our earwaves at least once a week. Right around the end of the weekend, too...
Try and visualize, in your mind's eye, a wondrous choir or two (in redundant multiple failsafe harmonic convergance) singing this:
All things dull and ug-a-ly, All Things Dull and Ugly by Monty Python on a number of their comedic offerings (mine is from the Contractural Obligation album) |
Pontius Pilate came to our town Leader of the union [opening to the song One by One by the group Chumbawamba on the album Tubthumper] |
