The Funny Farm

ALERT: Democrats are trying to "take back" Congress by defeating incumbent Republicans next week...

But there's one Democrat seat that CONSERVATIVES can take back -- with YOUR help! Listen to our new radio ad that we plan to SATURATE the airwaves with in Texas:

[link redacted due to national security interests]

In Texas District 25, the incumbent Congressman is Lloyd Doggett. Doggett isn't just a liberal Democrat -- he's a liberal's liberal! Check out these left-wing groups' ratings of Rep. Doggett:

* People for the American Way rates Doggett at ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

* Americans for Democratic Action rates Doggett at NINETY-FIVE PERCENT.

* NARAL Pro-Choice America rates Doggett at ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

* MoveOn.org calls Doggett "one of the most progressive leaders in the House."

Now take a look at how groups on the Right rate Rep. Doggett:

* The American Conservative Union gives Doggett a lifetime rating of just SEVEN out of a possible score of 100.

* Americans for Tax Reform give Doggett a Congressonal rating of just FIVE percent.

* Phyllis Schlafly's Eagle Forum gives Doggett a Congressional rating of FOUR.

* Americans for Better Immigration gives Doggett its lowest grade -- F.

* The National Right To Life Committee rates Doggett at ZERO PERCENT.

* The Family Research Council gives Doggett a Congressional rating of EIGHT.

* The National Rifle Association gives Doggett its lowest grade -- F.

Thanks to liberal politicians like Lloyd Doggett, we're now faced with an out-of-control illegal immigration problem, an overbearing tax system, and a bloated federal government. Grant Rostig supports DEFENDING our nation and our borders; calls for massive simplification of our tax system, along the lines of the "Fair Tax" proposal; and calls for DECREASING the size and scope of the federal government. Rostig is OPPOSED to amnesty for illegals; SUPPORTS the right to bear arms ONE HUNDRED PERCENT; and is PRO-life.

In other words, Grant Rostig is a CONSERVATIVE; Lloyd Doggett is a LIBERAL.

It's time to give Lloyd Doggett "the boot," and replace his left-wing "politics as usual." Grant Rostig is the conservative in this race, promising to boldly work to represent our shared American Values from Texas to Washington, D.C. -- and thanks to redistricting, Rostig has the best chance of any opponent Doggett has faced to UNSEAT the incumbent -- but he needs YOUR help to do it!

In this newly-redrawn district, the ratio of Republicans to Democrats is almost EVEN -- 44% to 47%! And Rostig has other factors working in his favor, including two other candidates on the ballot (a Libertarian and an Independent), which can force Doggett into a high-profile runoff with Rostig if Grant doesn't win outright; AND because of the redistricting, Democrats who vote a "straight-party ticket" will NOT be casting a ballot for Doggett, unless they deliberately cast ANOTHER vote just for him.

To top it off, Rostig has been endorsed by long-term stalwart for liberty, Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX)!

GRANT ROSTIG CAN WIN THIS RACE, and DEFEAT the ultra-liberal Democrat Lloyd Doggett. And the RightMarch.com PAC is doing all we can to help Rostig win.

We've sent out emails to our Texas members, asking them to donate to his campaign and volunteer to put Rostig signs up all around the Austin area.

We've donated directly to Rostig's campaign, to help pay for those signs and his various campaign ads.

And now, we're launching a radio ad campaign that will BLANKET the Austin market, telling the voters EXACTLY what the difference is between the liberal Doggett and the conservative Rostig. It's a powerful, hard-hitting ad that "tells it like it is" -- listen to it here:

[link redacted due to national security interests]

This ad, combined with all of the other efforts in the Rostig campaign PLUS the advantage of redistricting, could "tip the balance" and cause a HUGE upset -- and keep the liberal Democrats from taking over Congress.

But we need YOUR help to do it!

TAKE ACTION: Can you help us show these out-of-touch liberals that we mean BUSINESS in this election? Congressional District 25 is full of down-to-earth conservatives, and they finally have a choice this year. But they'll never know it if Rostig can't get his message to them -- and his name!

This is truly a grassroots campaign. The national Republican party has refused to get involved in this race, preferring to spend its money on keeping liberal Republicans elsewhere in office. Even the Republican Liberty Caucus hasn't come in to help.

But YOU can make all the difference!

PLEASE, make your best contribution NOW to help the RightMarch.com PAC air these POWERFUL ads:

[link redacted due to national security interests]

Dr. Grant Rostig is a regular guy who LISTENS to the people of South Texas, and believes that government should serve the people with humility. Let's make sure he has the chance to do just that. Please make your best Texas-sized donation TODAY -- and help keep liberal Democrats OUT of power!

NOTE: Grant Rostig, a military veteran, will attract not only Republicans, but also those disenfranchised Texas Democrats who are conservative and not happy with Congressman Dogget's "hard left" stance on gun control, his votes to increase taxes by supporting the retention of the marriage tax, being against a permanent child tax credit, as well as being against the tax cuts of 2001 -- not to mention his support of 245(i) AMNESTY for illegal aliens. Be sure to forward this Alert to everyone you know in Texas who wants to help get a liberal OUT of Congress, and a conservative IN! Click below to donate, and send your maximum contribution to:

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If you prefer to donate by check, please send to:

RightMarch.com PAC
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If you prefer not to donate online, you can call us with your credit card ready at [telephone number redacted due to national security interests]

Thank you.

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Please send an encouraging message to a mentally challenged friend, just as I've done.

It was the Putsch Family that caused all the things to happen that made you mad. PapaDoc Putsch faked the first Gulf War because people called him, "The Wimp" and he wanted to be a war hero and steal some oil on the side.

So PapaDoc Putsch put those bacon-eating soldiers on your "sacred sand."

Then BabyDoc Putsch came along and muscled in on the Taliban, forcing them to accept his terms for the Unocal Pipeline than now runs thru Afghanistan.

I don't agree with your actions on 9-11, but I understand why you did it. Since BabyDoc Putsch was going to steal your country, and you were powerless to stop him, you practiced a little "pre-emptive strike" on your own and gave NY a black eye.

You're a lot like BabyDoc Putsch in another respect: You attacked innocent people. New Yorkers never did anything to you - neither did the Pentagon workers.

It was all the crimes committed by the Bush Family Evil Empire.

A Routine Day

It started off a routine day
I got through the morning in the usual way
I caught the bus on time
Good morning, Mr. Driver, drive
As I sat inside my overcoat I clutched my cane
And pressed my nose against the foggy window pane
Ho hum
The life I lead would even make a dead man yawn

Midday comes, I break for lunch
With my sandwich and a beer I go on a hunch
To the park where I hope to find
A little bit of peace of mind
As I sat there on a bench amidst the rodent race
I felt a strange sensation that without a trace appeared
But then as quickly disappeared again

So tell me what's the bloody point of playing the game
With so much to lose yet so little to gain
You sell your life away
Can't you see you're just a cog working like a dog
You trade your future for a dead-end job
That's full of routine days
Routine days

I race the clock to the end of my day
The paycheck in my pocket makes me feel okay
But was it worth the grind
Just to keep from falling behind
I stand here in the queue behind a foul cigar
My face discreetly buried in a book on Mars
Humdrum
And I'm waiting on the pier 'til Charon comes

_{From the album Sir Army Suit by Klaatu}

[spoken] For those Republicans in the audience who've already purchased CD's: they are non-refundable.

[singing]
George Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction -
Clinton got a blowjob
So there was deception added to the suction, but -
Clinton got a blowjob

Now, what's worse - starting a war?
Or keeping your Cohibas in a human humidor?
And who got impeached? And what for? Oh, right -
Clinton got a blowjob

George Bush vacationed while New Orleans drowned -
[audience sings] Clinton got a blowjob
He sat in a classroom with the towers falling down -
[audience sings] Clinton got a blowjob
He fcuked up FEMA, which fcuked up Katrina
Not to mention the conventions of Geneva
With 23 civilians murdered in Hadifa -
[audience sings] Clinton got a blowjob

Now how
Can a man without a brain
Cause a nation so much pain
Cause a world to feel such hate
For these so called United States

And how
Could the Congress help but act
In the face of every fact
I have presented here
The comparison couldn't be more clear…

George Bush authorized leaks of classified information -
[audience sings] Clinton got a blowjob
To make the case for attacking a sovereign nation -
[audience sings] Clinton got a blowjob

Well they couldn't shoot him, so they had to shame him
But if you know a single honest politician - name him!
And you've seen Hillary - can you blame him?
[audience sings] Clinton got a blowjob

I mean - I'm sorry Hillary, we all gotta take one for the team

George Bush funds sex ed that says that condoms don't work -
[audience sings] Clinton got a blowjob
If they didn't both your daughters would be pregnant, you jerk!
[audience sings] Clinton got a blowjob

So Bush lied about his bust for driving drunk
Clinton's biggest crime was - having spunk!
And for choosing a statue less than statuesque
And hiding her under the Oval Office desk

sighs

[spoken] What else, George? What else have you done?

Ahhh - stem cell research, abstinence - what else have you lied about?
Global warming, missile defense
Going AWOL from the National Guard
Ah - find some more everybody , it's not that hard

Jack Abramoff, Valerie Plame
Al Qaeda's links to Saddam Hussein
Abu Gharaib, Kenny Lay
Our record deficit today

Wire tapping, info leaking
Water boarding, power hoarding
Rights destroying, Christ deploying
Load of scat in a Stetson hat

I'll do my part
I'll play the pawn
If that's what it takes
To get you gone

I'm on my knees, George -
Bring it on!
Here's your fcuking blowjob!

The Constitution of the United States 2.0
By Devilstower , 09/30/2006 10:06:13 PM EST

As there have lately been so many changes to the basic functioning of the United States -- a shift of powers here, a whittling away of rights there, it seems a good time to issue a revised version of the basic operating document. This is the real Republican't Contract with America.

We the Republican'ts of the United States, in Order to prevent any challenge to our continued Supremacy, free ourselves from the Confines of Justice, placate the Tranquil masses, degrade the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of War Profiteering for ourselves and our Friends, do ordain and establish Constitution 2.0 for the United States of America.

ARTICLE I
Section 1
All legislative Powers are hereby ceded to the Executive branch, though the Congress will still make a Grand Noise and wave their arms as if they give a Damn.

Section 2
The House of Representatives will consist of those best able to Lick the Boots of the Lobbyists and Corporations lining their pockets.

No one can be a Representative unless Fox News says that he is a Patriotic American,

Representation shall be apportioned based on numbers of people willing to Pay for the Privilege. The actual Enumeration shall be made whenever it is of benefit to Republican'ts.

Representatives will choose a Speaker and other Officers by how willing these Officers are to turn a blind eye to the Crimes of Republican'ts and how Loudly they will Declare the Daily Talking Points.

Section 3
The Senate shall... oh hell, just see Section 1.

The Vice President shall be President of the Senate and can use any Four Letter Word he wants in talking to Senators, so F-You, Leahy.

Section 4
Elections will be held whenever Diebold is prepared to provide the Right Results.

Section 5
Each House shall make a mockery of policing itself and shall be free to throw out all the Democrats they want, but Republican'ts who engage in Pederasty shall be protected.

Section 6
Republican't Senators and Representatives will enjoy a Revolving Door of organizations who pay for votes, and give them jobs any time they are taking a break.

Section 7
The House and Senate shall apply a large Rubber Stamp to every suggestion issued by the President.

Section 8
The House shall raise all the taxes they want on the poor and middle-class so long as they leave the Rich alone.

The Congress will dodge all responsibility for decisions on War.

Section 9
The rules of Immigration shall be set in a way that protects Republican't majorities.

Section 10
Any treaties are not worth the paper they are written on.

ARTICLE II
Section 1
The President can do anything he wants, that's what's good about being President. Heh heh heh.

Section 2
The President can wear any uniform he wants and pretend to fly planes.

Section 3
The President and the Congress should split some beers now and then, but he doesn't have to invite any Democrats.

Section 4
Having sex is a good Reason to get rid of a President. Lying, being Incompetent, Wasting Billions, and getting Thousands of Americans Killed, is fine.

ARTICLE III
This Article was full of that Judge stuff, so we just took it out.

ARTICLE IV
We can declare any place we want part of the United States so they can call their stuff "Made in the USA," but don't go thinking they get representation.

ARTICLE V
Amendments to the Constitution will only be for Really Important Stuff, like how scared we are of Homos and Foreign People.

ARTICLE VI
You can ignore any part of this Constitution if it gets in the way of Profit or something that gets Republican'ts elected.

ARTICLE VII
People are supposed to be afraid all the Time, otherwise they do too damn much Thinking.

- Republican't executive Randall Casseday of the conservative Washington Times newspaper was arrested for soliciting sex from a 13-year old girl on the internet.

- Republican't chairman of the Oregon Christian Coalition Lou Beres confessed to molesting a 13-year old girl.

- Republican't County Constable Larry Dale Floyd was arrested on suspicion of soliciting sex with an 8-year old girl. Floyd has repeatedly won elections for Denton County, Texas, constable.

- Republican't judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation.

- Republican't Party leader Bobby Stumbo was arrested for having sex with a 5-year old boy.

- Republican't petition drive manager Tom Randall pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 14, one of them the daughter of an associate in the petition business.

- Republican't County Chairman Armando Tebano was arrested for sexually molesting a 14-year-old girl.

- Republican't teacher and former city councilman John Collins pleaded guilty to sexually molesting 13 and 14 year old girls.

- Republican't campaign worker Mark Seidensticker is a convicted child molester.

- Republican't Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls.

- Republican't Mayor Tom Adams was arrested for distributing child pornography over the internet.

- Republican't Mayor John Gosek was arrested on charges of soliciting sex from two 15-year old girls.

- Republican't County Commissioner David Swartz pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison.

- Republican't legislator Edison Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his daughter between the ages of 9 and 17.

- Republican't Committeeman John R. Curtain was charged with molesting a teenage boy and unlawful sexual contact with a minor.

- Republican't anti-abortion activist Howard Scott Heldreth is a convicted child rapist in Florida.

- Republican't zoning supervisor, Boy Scout leader and Lutheran church president Dennis L. Rader pleaded guilty to performing a sexual act on an 11-year old girl he murdered.

- Republican't anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor.

- Republican't campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl.

- Republican't racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child.

- Republican't pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile.

- Republican't legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl.

- Republican't advertising consultant Carey Lee Cramer was sentenced to six years in prison for molesting two 8-year old girls, one of whom appeared in an anti-Gore television commercial.

- Republican't activist Lawrence E. King, Jr. organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.

- Republican't lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.

- Republican't Congressman Donald "Buz" Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a female minor and sentenced to one month in jail.

- Republican't fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos.

- Republican't activist Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children.

- Republican't campaign chairman Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child and was arrested again five years later on the same charge.

- Republican't Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a female minor working as a congressional page.

- Republican't activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter.

- Republican't Judge Ronald C. Kline was placed under house arrest for child molestation and possession of child pornography.

- Republican't congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.

- Republican't Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped.

- Republican't activist Marty Glickman (a.k.a. "Republican't Marty"), was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with an underage girl and one count of delivering the drug LSD.

- Republican't legislative aide Howard L. Brooks was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.

- Republican't Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.

- Republican't preacher Stephen White, who demanded a return to traditional values, was sentenced to jail after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.

- Republican't talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl.

- Republican't anti-gay activist Earl "Butch" Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.

- Republican't Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.

- Republican't election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl.

- Republican't politician Andrew Buhr was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.

- Republican't legislator Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls under the age of 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).

- Republican't anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was found guilty of molesting a 15-year old girl.

- Republican't County Councilman Keola Childs pleaded guilty to molesting a male child.

- Republican't activist John Butler was charged with criminal sexual assault on a teenage girl.

- Republican't candidate Richard Gardner admitted to molesting his two daughters.

- Republican't Councilman and former Marine Jack W. Gardner was convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl.

- Republican't County Commissioner Merrill Robert Barter pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy.

- Republican't City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to raping a 15 year-old girl and served 6-months in prison.

- Republican't activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.

- Republican't parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession.

- Republican't strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin Vanderwall was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet.

- Republican't city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a "good military man" and "church goer," was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.

- Republican't businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter.

- Republican't campaign worker, police officer and self-proclaimed reverend Steve Aiken was convicted of having sex with two underage girls.

- Republican't director of the "Young Republican't Federation" Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison.

- Republican't president of the New York City Housing Development Corp. Russell Harding pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer.

- Republican't benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr., was found guilty of raping a 15-year old girl. Dasen, 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren, has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women.

- Republican't Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld authorized the rape of children in Iraqi prisons in order to humiliate their parents into providing information about the anti-American insurgency.