The Funny Farm

Now the Hard Part Begins

Dear Tom,

We did it! We won at least 29 House seats and took the majority. We won 6 Senate seats and took back the Senate too, not to mention 28 Governors and several more state houses. We had incredible turnout of Democratic voters across the country. Thanks to you, we had a vigorous election protection program in place to fight those who would restrict our right to vote. We ran a positive campaign on the issues that really matter to American voters.

The past two years we have worked very hard to bring a new majority to Congress and to restore accountability in Washington. We have fought together on issues such as the unanswered irregularities in the Ohio presidential election, the scandal of the Downing Street Minutes, the shame of outing a CIA agent, and much more. Together we proved that a number of dedicated online activists, working in conjunction with a single congressman, could become a force to be reckoned with.

Although we won back control of Congress, none of us should delude ourselves into thinking that running the legislative branch in a nation wracked by years of one party rule will be easy. We need to put aside any thought of anger or payback. Instead we need to focus on identifying and correcting abuses and pass legislation which serves the interests of the American people.

We also need to recapture the White House in 2008 and maintain and expand our majorities in the Congress. In order to achieve these goals we need to be totally united as a Party. It is fine to debate and argue behind closed doors and among ourselves, but at the end of the day, we owe it to the American people to unite and lead.

Thus, in my opinion it serve's no one's interests but the Republicans for anyone, including my friend James Carville, to suggest dumping DNC Chairman Dean less than three days after the most sweeping Democratic Congressional victory in more than thirty years. As many of you also know, I have agreed with Speaker-to-be Pelosi that impeachment is off the table. Instead, we agree that oversight, accountability and checks and balances – which have been sorely lacking for the last six years – must occur. I have nothing but respect for those who might disagree, but that is where I come out.

Having devoted a considerable amount of time and attention to detailing the many abuses of the Bush Administration, I firmly believe that we have brought these matters to the attention of the American people and the mainstream media, and that their verdict was reflected in the elections on November 7. I consider the now famous "basement hearings" and the issuance of my "Constitution in Crisis" Report to be among the watershed achievements of my more than forty years in Congress.

I also remain committed to the seminal issue of election reform. As one who held several hearings in the immediate aftermath of the Ohio debacle and went on to author "What Went Wrong in Ohio", I believe more than ever that we need a paper trail on voting machines. We also need to strengthen our laws to put an end to intimidation schemes, like the stealth robo-calls voters received before the election. I intend to introduce legislation next Congress concerning these matters.

Additionally, none of us should underestimate the continued anger and vitriol of our political opponents, even after the election they are engaged in a permanent campaign to discredit Democrats and thwart our agenda of change. You need to go no further than the November 9 editorial in the supposedly mainstream Investors Business Daily, which smeared not only me but my constituents, writing,

Pejorative and prejudiced statements like this should have no place in our political discourse.

I am hopeful that I will be selected as Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee. The Judiciary Committee is one of the most important committees in the House, and has jurisdiction over the Justice Department, the civil rights laws, criminal laws, the civil justice system, the courts, immigration laws, antitrust laws, patent and copyright laws, bankruptcy laws, administrative law, and Constitutional amendments. If I am selected as Chair, I believe it will place us in a position to make real and meaningful changes for the good of the American people.

We remain in this together, and I continue to look forward to receiving your ideas, your support, and your advice in the coming months and years.

Your Friend,

John Conyers, Jr.

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you. Maybe you could keep this in mind if you are ever in power again - especially absolute power like the last six years.

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us. Please use some common courtesy and stop disrespecting us for our liberal beliefs, and stop discouraging us to dissent and disagree with the policies of the current executive. Thanks in advance!

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift. Please use some common courtesy and keep your nose out of others lives - even if you don't think that they should be allowed to marry. It seems that we've been over this ground before, and your statements about teh gayz sound a lot like your statements last generation about the non-whites. Thanks in advance!

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will try to balance it for you everyone.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too. Unless you don't want them. That's okay, too.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.
I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

It would be greatly appreciated if you would try and understand, and even accept, that we are every bit as American as you are. I can't speak for the Left here, but my concerns about your behavior are voiced because I am concerned about this country, and I want to make it better. I understand that there are some conservatives who believe that they are doing what they think will make this country better, too. I just don't see how marginalizing and belittling the beliefs of over half of the citizenry will help to accomplish that.

I would also like to inform you at this time that, at least here at the Funny Farm, this pledge does not mean that, should you decide to continue with the partisan rhetoric, you will get a free pass on your vitriol. You have another chance to clean up your act. If you reject it you should expect to be treated as your behavior warrants.

Signed,

1. when do we stop searching for what we're searching for

2. and then a burglar alarm goes off in my head and I wake up screaming am I dead or alive

3. well you really are persuasive, but I've heard it all before

4. face piles of trials with smiles

5. let the north wind in and fly across the continent up to Canada

6. if you don't get some sense somehow those wheels will get you nowhere fast

7. politicians on a mission, build them up, bring them down for the good of the system

8. something lost and something gained and something shared that feels strange

9. a secret wish the marrying of lies today comes true what common sense denies

10. on behalf of unknown heroes for heroes there must be