The Funny Farm

WASHINGTON, July 27 — The Putsch administration is preparing to demand ask Congress to approve an arms sale package for Saudi Arabia and its neighbors that is expected to eventually total $20 billion at a time when the mystical, oft mentioned, but never defined some United States officials contend that the Saudis are arming terrorist factions in the Middle East playing a counterproductive role in Iraq.

The proposed package of advanced weaponry for Saudi Arabia, which includes advanced satellite-guided bombs, upgrades to its fighters and new naval vessels, has made Israel and some of its supporters in Congress nervous (cough). Senior officials who described the package on Friday said they believed that the administration had resolved those concerns, in part by promising Israel $30.4 billion in military aid over the next decade, a significant increase over what Israel has received in the past 10 years.

But the mystical, oft mentioned, but never defined administration officials remained concerned that the size of the package and the advanced weaponry it contains, as well as broader concerns about Saudi Arabia's role in Iraq, could prompt Saudi critics in Congress to oppose the package when Congress is formally notified about the deal this upcoming marketing season fall.

In talks about the package, the administration has not sought specific assurances from Saudi Arabia that it would be more supportive of the American effort in Iraq as a condition of receiving the arms package, the the mystical, oft mentioned, but never defined officials said.

The officials said the plan to bolster the militaries of Persian Gulf countries is part of an American strategy to contain the growing power of Iran in the region (BOO!) and to demonstrate that, no matter what happens in Iraq, Washington remains committed to its longtime Arab paymasters allies. Officials from the State Department and the Pentagon agreed to outline the terms of the deal after some details emerged from closed briefings this week on Capitol Hill.

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The package and the possible steps to allay Israel's concerns were described to Congress this week, in an effort by the administration to test the reaction on Capitol Hill before entering into final negotiations on the package with Saudi officials. The Saudis had requested that Congress be told about the planned sale, the officials said, in an effort to avoid the kind of bruising fight on Capitol Hill that occurred in the 1980s over proposed arms sales to the kingdom.

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The $20 billion price tag on the package is more than double what officials originally estimated when details became public this spring. Even the higher figure is a rough (cough) estimate that could geometrically spiral out of control, especially with Cheneyburton dipping into the till fluctuate depending on the final package, which would be carried out over a number of years, the mystical, oft mentioned, but never defined officials said.

Worried about the impression that the United States was starting an arms race in the region, State and Defense Department officials stressed that the arms deal was being proposed largely in response to improvements in Iran's military capabilities (BOO!) and to counter the threat posed by its nuclear program (BOO!), which the lying, criminally incompetent, lame duck Chimperial administration contends (cough) is aimed at building nuclear weapons.

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A Cypress man charged in the death of a Southwest Airlines flight attendant said Saturday that he was doing God's work when he went to a Montrose-area bar last month, hunting for a gay man to kill.

"I believe I'm Elijah, called by God to be a prophet," said 26-year-old Terry Mark Mangum, charged with murder June 11. " ... I believe with all my heart that I was doing the right thing."

Interviewed in the Brazoria County Jail Saturday morning, Mangum said he feels no remorse for killing 46-year-old Kenneth Cummings Jr., whom relatives described as a "loving" son who never forgot a holiday and a devoted uncle who had set up college funds for his niece and nephew. He worked at Southwest for 24 years.

Mangum, who described himself as "definitely not a homosexual," said God called on him to "carry out a code of retribution" by killing a gay man because "sexual perversion" is the "worst sin."

Mangum believed Cummings to be gay.

"I planned on sending him to hell," he said.

Cummings disappeared June 4. His charred remains were found June 16, buried on a 50-acre ranch near San Antonio owned by Mangum's 90-year-old grandfather.

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Mangum — who claimed he has studied the Bible for "thousands and thousands and thousands of hours" — said God first commanded him to kill during a "visitation," or dream, while he was in prison in 2001. He said his victim must be a man because men "carry the harvest of the sinner."

After six months' planning, Mangum said, he went to E.J.'s, a Montrose-area club, where he met Cummings. After they drank a couple of beers, he said, the two went to Cummings' home in Pearland.

Mangum said he stabbed Cummings with a "6-inch blade."

The United States Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit today rightfully, with a full explanation for their reasoning, rejected Lewis Libby's request to remain free on bail while pursuing his appeals for the serious to anyone who can't donate huge sums of money to the Republican't Party convictions of perjury and obstruction of justice. As a result, Mr. Libby will be required to turn himself over to the Bureau of Prisons to begin serving his prison sentence.

I have dodged dealing with this issue said throughout this process that it would not be appropriate to comment or intervene in this case until I can verify, without a doubt, that Mr. Libby's appeals have been exhausted and the verdict was not the one we demanded the courts arrive at. Funny thing, though - Scooter can still appeal, and I can still pardon him, until I'm done pResidentin'. But now, he can plead the fifth before Congress all the while! But with the denial of bail being upheld and incarceration imminent, and even though I have said throughout this process that it would not be appropriate to comment or intervene in this case until Mr. Libby's appeals have been exhausted, and Scooter can still appeal his conviction I believe it is now important to keep Scooter happy so he'll keep quiet react to that decision.

From the very beginning of the investigation into the leaking of covert CIA operative Valerie Plame's name during my War on Terrifying Others Into Giving America Their Oil, I made it clear to the White House staff and anyone serving in my administration with the exception of the Vice pResident's office, at whose pleasure I serve that I expected full cooperation with the Justice Department unless it might make me look bad. Dozens of White House staff and administration officials dutifully gave lip service to the idea of cooperating while refusing to actually, you know, doing what was asked of them cooperated.

After the investigation, despite out best efforts to stop it from getting started, much less being completed, was under way, the Justice Department appointed United States Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois Patrick Fitzgerald (R - Last Honest Republican't Standing) as a Special Counsel in charge of the case. Mr. Fitzgerald is a highly qualified, professional prosecutor who carried out his responsibilities as charged.

This case has generated significant demand on White House resources to spin the situation commentary and debate. Critics of the investigation have argued that a special counsel should not have been appointed unlike the way they were eager to get one when it was a Democratic politician being investigated, nor should the investigation have been pursued after the Justice Department granted amnesty to our fall guy and learned who leaked Ms. Plame's name to columnist Robert Novak (R - DoucheBag Of Liberty). Furthermore, the critics point out that neither Mr. Libby nor anyone else has been charged with violating the Intelligence Identities Protection Act or the Espionage Act, which were the original subjects of the investigation, after the prosecution spent long hours explaining why they pursued the charges they successfully caught a lying traitor with. Finally, critics say the punishment does not fit the crime: Mr. Libby was a rich Republican't who gave me lots of money first-time offender with years of shilling for the Republican'ts exceptional public service and was handed a harsh sentence less than the mandatory minimums my fellow Republican't congresscritters enacted a few years ago for those of you not in my base based in part on allegations never presented to the jury as opposed to the thousands still languishing in prison for allegedly smoking a joint at the wrong place and the wrong time.

Others point out that a jury of citizens weighed all the evidence and listened to all the testimony and found Mr. Libby guilty of perjury and obstructing justice. They argue, correctly, that our entire system of justice relies on people telling the truth. (cough) And if a person does not tell the truth (cough) (cough), particularly if he serves in government and holds the public trust, he must be held accountable (cough). They say that had Mr. Libby only told the truth, he would have never been indicted in the first place. Not to my face, though, they don't! Heh heh heh

Both critics and defenders of this investigation have made important points that I will now ignore like the petulant child I have always been. I have made my own evaluation since I think I know better than everyone else. In preparing for the decision I am announcing today, I have carefully weighed the potential fallout to my administration these arguments and the circumstances surrounding this case.

Mr. Libby was sentenced to thirty months of prison, two years of probation, and a $250,000 fine for engaging in treasonous behavior and/or its' coverup during wartime for petty partisan political purposes. In making the sentencing decision, the district court rejected the advice of the probation office, which recommended a lesser sentence and the consideration of bribes, threats, and intimidation factors that could have led to a sentence of home confinement or probation and instead used the standard sentencing guidelines that are supposed to be applied to all criminals.

I laugh at respect the jury's verdict. But I have concluded that Scooter might get pissed enough in prison to spill the beans the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am abusing my imperial super powers commuting the portion of Mr. Libby's sentence that required him to spend thirty months in prison.

My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a slap on the wrist for a rich bastich harsh punishment for Mr. Libby. The reputation he gained through his years of engaging in illicit and immoral behavior to keep Republican'ts in power at any cost public service and professional work in the legal community is forever exposed damaged. His wife and young children have also suffered immensely - never mind about those poor dopers' wives and children when you think about this, either. Or any collateral damage that may have occurred in any other lands during his time in power. He will remain on probation and continue to live a safe, happy life as a rich Republican't. The significant fines for a real person, but chump change for a rich Republican't like Libby, imposed by the judge will remain in effect until Scooter gets pardoned the week before I leave. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long-lasting until something opens up at the executive level in a Republican't controlled corporation.

The Constitution gives the President the power of clemency to be used when he deems he can get away with it and he needs to save a friend from being punished for helping with his pResident's criminal activities it to be warranted. It is my judgment that a commutation of the prison term in Mr. Libby's case is going to put money in my pocket an appropriate exercise of this power and avoids all that messy congressional testimony for ol' Scooter. Heh heh heh.