The Funny Farm

Number 10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

Number 9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

Number 8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

Number 7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

Number 6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

Number 5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

Number 4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

Number 3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

Number 2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

The RNC blast-emailed a solicitation to party members across the country a little while ago in the form of a letter from the incumbent president and nominal head of the party. "In just over 13 months, Americans go to the polls to elect the next President," Bush writes in his "Dear Republican" letter. "We have an important mission: to keep the White House in 2008, and retake the U.S. House and Senate."

Mission impossible? Bush doesn't think so, although he acknowledges that fulfillment won't come easy:

Next year, Chairman Mike Duncan and the Republican National Committee (RNC) will have the job of organizing our Party's national grassroots campaign effort.

Mike and I both are counting on your support to help lead the Republican Party to sweeping victories in the 2008 elections.

We know it is grassroots activists like you who put up the yard signs, knock on the doors, make the phone calls and do what's necessary to win and elect a Republican president and Congress.

And it is people like you who give generously to ensure our candidates have the resources needed to run effective campaigns and win. That is why I hope you will make a special online gift of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $25 to keep the RNC's 2008 election programs moving forward.

Winning the 2008 elections will be the toughest test our Party has faced since we won the White House and added to our numbers in both houses of Congress in 2004.

Therefore, with no futher ado, allow me to present President George W. Bush's email, but with all the BS removed:

Dear Republican't,

During my six and a half years in office, you and I have worked together to advance the Republican Party's principles to keep America safe, strengthen our economy, protect our values and extend the American Dream to every person who's fortunate to be a citizen of our great country.

[snip]

Republicans have a solid record when it comes to protecting the United States of America.

After the enemy attacked us, I vowed I would rally this nation and use our resources to protect you. And that is exactly what we have done.

And we have been safe from tigers ever since he installed that special "no more tigers" rock in our front yard.

We have reformed our intelligence services to make sure we can find the enemy before they strike. We have fought to deny them safe haven in Afghanistan and Iraq so they cannot plan and plot again.

And that has worked out exactly how ….?

The fight for freedom in Iraq is the fight for the security of the United States of America and we must prevail. If we leave before the job is done, the enemy that attacked us would be emboldened.

Then why the hell didn't we fight that enemy instead of going to Iraq? Are you TRYING to make me want to smack somebody, George?

Dear Republican't,

During my six and a half years in office, you and I have worked together to advance the Republican Party's principles to keep America safe, strengthen our economy, protect our values and extend the American Dream to every person who's fortunate to be a citizen of our great country.

Unless you live in New Orleans, of course. That "keep America safe" thing is working better, of course, what with the administration's willingness to send Americans overseas to be killed. It's not just about the oil, of course. That's a vile slander. It's all about plutocracy: no-bid contracts and no-oversight out-sourcing. That's the Republican way.

[snip]

Next year, Chairman Mike Duncan and the Republican National Committee (RNC) will have the job of organizing our Party's national grassroots campaign effort.

Mike and I both are counting on your support to help lead the Republican Party to sweeping victories in the 2008 elections.

Is that the same Mike Duncan who chaired the transition committee for Governor Ernie Fletcher of Kentucky? Boy, that was sure a successful transition! I presume Duncan carefully vetted all of those folks who went on to join one of the state's most corrupt administrations ever. It was clever how Fletcher issued pardons to several members of his administration to forestall further investigations into the criminal abuse of Kentucky's merit system. Now that Fletcher is running for re-election, I assume his campaign will be one of Mike Duncan's biggest priorities. Please pour lots of campaign funds into that rat-hole, would you?

But we mustn't blame Mike for problems that are clearly Governor Fletcher's fault. That would be guilt by association. Mike Duncan no doubt gets enough of that just from being head of the Republican National Committee these days.

Republicans have a solid record when it comes to protecting the United States of America.

After the enemy attacked us, I vowed I would rally this nation and use our resources to protect you. And that is exactly what we have done. We have reformed our intelligence services to make sure we can find the enemy before they strike. We have fought to deny them safe haven in Afghanistan and Iraq so they cannot plan and plot again.

Well, we were denying them safe haven in Afghanistan, but our neglect of that operation has permitted the Taliban's resurgence. Would you like to address that little problem? At least we're keeping up the effort in Iraq, where it was Saddam himself who used to deny them a safe haven. Good thing we took him out and turned all of Iraq into a terrorist training ground. That's going to be part of your legacy, George!

Republicans also have a solid record when it comes to growing this economy.

Republicans cut taxes for everybody who pays taxes. We understand that if you have more money in your pocket to save, spend, or invest, the economy will grow.

If you look carefully at the budget the Democrats proposed, they want to return to the days of tax and spend. They will raise your taxes and figure out new ways to spend your money.

If our candidates remind the American voter that tax cuts have worked, that the economy is strong as a result of the tax cuts, and instead of raising taxes, we ought to make the tax cuts permanent, we will retake the U.S. House and Senate and hold the White House in 2008.

The best part about our federal budget is that the war in Iraq is off the books! Thanks to Bush-style bookkeeping, we can continue to pretend to be good stewards of the nation's economy while maxing out our credit cards. Not to worry! The bill won't come due while Bush is still in the White House.